Officer: “I’m sorry to say this sir, but it looks like your girlfriend has been hit by a truck.”
Man: "Yeah… But she's got a great personality!"
How do you say ‘what’s up dawg ‘ in Japanese
Konichihuahua
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: "dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
Aussie Helpline
"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline here …What's the problem,cobber?" "I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up." "Bummer, mate..!" "Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."
Guy wakes up in a hospital room, badly beaten within inches of his life.
The doctor is standing over him and asks him what happened. He thinks back. “I was golfing with my wife. She shanked her pink ball into a small cow pasture, just beyond the rough. I went to look for it and finally found it in a cow’s butthole. Last thing I remember is I lifted the tail and shouted ‘HONEY! This looks like yours!!!!’”
I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana.
But cocaine is where I draw the line.
“Judge, I’m here to dispute 60% of my tickets!”
Judge: Repeat infractions? Man: Fine. I’m here to dispute 3/5 of my tickets.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that’s the last thing I need.
This joke has me dead.
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph, because hes too short to be an essay
Me: *wears camouflage*
Every Dad: Woah didn’t see ya there
How do you cut the ocean in half?
With a sea saw
I was going to study Nietzsche’s philosophy.
Then I just thought, it's meaningless.
What comes out if you cross a mosquito and an elephant?
I dunno but I really do hope that thing doesn't bite…
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it.
Took my mother-in-law out last night.
Loving my new sniper rifle.
Never iron a four leaf clover…
You don't want to press your luck…
Why didn’t the lifeguard save the hippy?
Because he was too far out man
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
"Thanks, man," he replied, "I've been practising a lot."
I farted in my wallet..
Now I have gas money.
I was always told to we should celebrate our mistakes
I guess that's why my mum throws me a birthday party every year
I can’t believe that even after 15 years of the show ending, people are still making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Friends are like snow
When you pee on them, they disappear.
I opened a shop selling used artificial limbs
I called it the second hand second hand store
I’m selling my dead batteries.
They’re free of charge if you’re interested.
I bought coconut shampoo the other day…
When I got home, I realised I didn't even have a coconut.
What’s brown and not very heavy ?
Light brown
The Jones didn’t have any children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, “I’m off, honey. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell with the hopes of making a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to….." "Oh, there's no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in. "You have?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's exactly what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked a blushing Mrs. Jones. "You just leave everything to me," he replied. "Usually, I try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out." "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for George and me," stated Mrs. Jones. "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. However, if we try several different positions, and I shoot from five or six angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results." "I certainly hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Jones. "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I would love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know!" exclaimed Mrs. Jones. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in the downtown area," he proudly declared. "Oh my word!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, considering the fact that their mother was so difficult to work with," he said, handing Mrs. Jones the photograph. "She was difficult?" Mrs. Jones asked. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing and shoving to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, her eyes the size of saucers. "Yes," said the photographer. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. It was very difficult for me to concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." "You mean they actually chewed on your, umm, equipment?" Mrs. Jones asked. "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work." "Tripod?" asked a very worried Mrs. Jones. "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action." "Madam, madam? Good Lord, she's fainted!"
What is an opinion without 3.14?
An onion.