Oh damn
What do you call a sleeping Triceratops?
A snoozosaurus.
Only once every four years can a memer experience this kind of power
Only once every four years can a memer experience this kind of power
Windows 10 updates be like…
Microsoft: We’ve teamed up with vendors to make our security so good, that no one will ever be able to enter your system again.User: But, how do I get in?Microsoft: WE DON’T KNOW! THAT’S HOW GOOD IT IS!
I got caught masturbating with a pickle.
I was Gherkin off
What do you call an annoyed lobster?
A frustacean
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says “make my horse laugh and win $500”
So the guy has a couple drinks and asks about the sign. Bartender says the horse is in the back. So the guy goes back there and pretty soon the horse is laughing uproariously. Guy collects his $500 and leaves. When he comes back next week, the sign has been replaced by one that says “make my horse stop laughing and win $500”. So the guy once again goes to the back and pretty soon the laughter is replaced by sobbing. The bartender says I’ll give you the $500 but you have to tell me how you did it. So the guy explains that the first week he told the horse “my dick is bigger than yours”. The bartender asks “so what did you tell him just now?” “Nothing, I proved it”.
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea
My 3 year old is constantly asking me questions about the new fish we got
He sure axolotl questions!
I’m convinced 90% of the software on my computer doesn’t do anything…
…except send me notifications that there's a new version of itself.
Why are there only 239 beans in a can?
If there’s one more, it would be too farty.
Why couldn‘t the bike stand up by itself?
It was two tired
My local church recently held a masquerade themed dinner and whilst the priest was saying grace I suddenly realised…
It was a blessing in disguise.
Iron Man is technically a FEmale.
I will down vote myself on the way out….
What do you call an anteater that eats ants?
An ant eater anteater. What would you call someone against the previously mentioned anteater? An anti ant eater anteater. What would you call someone who eats the previous person? An anti ant eater anteater eater. What if that person is your parents sister? Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater. And if a play is made about all of this? Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater theater. And finally, who is the director of this play? The Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater theater leader.
What does a house wear to a party?
Address.
Overheard at Epcot:
In the Germany section of Epcot, the guy in front of me orders a beer. Cashier says "nine dollars please", guy: "woah, free beer"!
If people make you sick…
Maybe you should cook them longer…
*pulls candy bar out of thin air*
Kid: WOW are you a magician? Me: no, but I have a couple of twix up my sleeve
I just saw a woman on horseback.
I never knew horses even got tattoos.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.
Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut.
I wrote to my North Korean penpal asking how things were in his country
He wrote back "I can't complain"
My roommate says our house is haunted
I've been living here for 300 years and i havnt noticed shit.