Oh Facebook…
I’m moving to Greenwich in a couple months.
Don't know what I'm going to do in the mean time…
Living with Roommates
If any of you have roommates that you love to death, please don't watch this video. For those of you who have those roommates that drive you up a wall and you are questioning your sanity on a daily basis, please watch this video. Video Link: https://youtu.be/ec2giEHgg4I
My neighbor owes me $500 but won’t pay.
Lawyer: Do you have proof? Me: No L: Send him a bill for the $5000 he owes you. M: But it's only $500. L: Exactly, he will respond saying just that. And you will have proof.
A guy in North Korea is walking home after his day at work . . .
. . . and he walks past a security checkpoint. One of the guards calls to him and says to stop, but he takes off running. The guard raises his rifle, takes aim, and shoots him dead in the street. The other guard stares at him. "What did you do that for?" he asks. "Curfew violation," the other guard says. "Curfew violation? Curfew isn't for another half hour!" "I know. That's my friend. I know where he lives. He never would have made it."
It makes sense that Minecraft appeals to kids.
I mean, they are Minors.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change color?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
Wanna here a joke about a broken pencil?
Never mind, it’s pointless…
Tits are like pizza…
…It doesn't matter what size, they're all good.
How does a rock pee?
He Dwaynes his Johnson
what do you call an acid with an attitude?
A-mean-o-acid 😂.
A man sees a lady in a bar with a large bosom…
He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your tits for a thousand dollars?" She says, "Hell yea!" So they go to a secluded corner, and she opens her blouse. The man puts his face in her tits for nearly five minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He says, "Nah, it's too expensive."
I get aroused when I erase pencil drawings
In fact, I think I'm gonna rub one out
Here is a piece of cucumber and Monster energy, go nuts!
Here is a piece of cucumber and Monster energy, go nuts!
I’m outta here!!
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you…don't bother coming after me" Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone…yeah I know, about time, I'm coming to see you, put on that …… French nightie. I love you…can't wait to see you…we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote. "I can see your feet. We're outta bread; be back in five minutes."
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
A hippo is very heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter.
I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire
I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.
Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?
The Air Force; they're US AF
A drunk staggers out of a bar and runs into two priests
He goes over to the first priest and says, "Dude, I'm Jesus Christ!" And the priest says, "No son, you're not." So the drunk goes over to the second priest and says, "Man, I'm Jesus Christ!" Then the priest says, "No son, you're not." Finally, the drunk had had enough and said, "Here, I'll prove it." He walks back into the bar with both priests and the bartender looks up and sees the drunk and says, "JESUS CHRIST, you're back AGAIN?"
The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels
Now you know who the best people are
My neighbors listen to awesome music
whether they like it or not.
America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona
By keeping the first one going
I’ve just started up a dating site for chickens.
Its not my normal day job, I'm just doing it to make Hens meet.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, “Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?” “
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
What language do oranges speak?
Mandarin.
Some possible names for a Jewish restaurant:
Lots O' Matzoh Spin the Ladle Latkes of Love And for vegans: Soy Vey!
Why can’t you see hippopotamus hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
How do bees brush their hair?
A honeycomb.
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: ‘Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!’
She was watching our wedding video again.
I wouldn’t say it’s easy living with erectile dysfunction.
But it’s not hard.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france?
There was nothing but de brie.
My father always told me “If you are not the best, then you are piece of sh*t!”
I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.