Oh, facepalm.
If I had 5 dollars in one pocket and 5 dollars in the other what do I have?
Someone else's pants on. My grandfathers favorite joke.
What’s the fastest way to massacre snails?
A salt rifle
A new Navy recruit on his first day posted in A Submarine …
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."
‘At a restaurant with food still on my plate’ Server: “You wanna box for that?”
Me: 'It's not worth fighting over'
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t notice.
Call her fat once and she will never forget. That’s because elephants never forget.
My friend is trying to convince me to invest in his sword making business.
He makes some really good points.
life is more complex especially when you choose to own and maintain a fancy 2-door car
https://ift.tt/3cXcxyE
What is 6.9?
Another great thing ruined by a period.
When I was 18 I wanted to kill myself…
But I'm a procrastinator, so I picked up smoking.
I never knew covering up my bald spot would cost so much.
But it's a price I'm willing toupée.
Why are hamsters like cigarettes?
They're completely harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Harry has decided to go into acting with his wife, Meghan Markle
He’ll be know as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
I have a friend named Bob
He hates it when I say his name backwards
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…
For my black Jeep.
We were about to witness our first autopsy in medical school. My friend said, “What do you think it’ll be like?”
I said, “Remains to be seen.”
Can vegans eat pudding?
No! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat!?
How do you piss off a female archeologist?
Find a used tampon and ask her what period it is from.
I woke up this morning and found that someone dumped a bunch of legos on my front door step.
I don’t know what to make of it.
What did the tectonic plate say when it bumped into another tectonic plate?
Sorry, that's my fault.
Mr. Smith kisses his wife goodbye before she leaves for a business trip….
On the way to the airport, Mrs. Smith gets in a terrible car crash and is life-flighted to the hospital. Mr. Smith receives a call from the police telling him about the accident and rushes to the hospital. There, he waits for hours while his wife is in surgery. After many hours of waiting, the surgeon finally comes to speak with him. “Mr. Smith, I’ve got some bad news for you. Your wife has been paralyzed from the neck down. She will be unable to perform even the most basic functions as a human being. You will have to feed her, bathe her, change her clothes, clean up her stool, and take her to many, many appointments for the rest of her life. This will be a true test of your love for this woman.” Upon hearing this news, Mr. Smith breaks down and starts sobbing uncontrollably. Just then, the surgeon smiles and pats him on the back. “Relax Mr. Smith. I was just fucking with ya….she’s dead.”
What do you call a deer that can’t see?
No eye deer What do you call a deer that can’t see and doesn’t have legs? Still no eye deer
You shouldn’t see any horror movie today
It May, Fri 10 you
You know why vaccinated children are more likely to have autism?
They live past the age of three
What kind of bait cannot be used for fishing?
The Answer Will Shock You!
Man, I love my furniture.
Me and my recliner go way back.
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar
No strings attached.
A schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a football fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are football fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand? "Because I'm not a football fan, " she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well if you are not a football fan, what sport are you a fan of? "I am a basketball fan and proud of it, " Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a basketball fan? " "Because my mum is a basketball fan, and my dad is a basketball fan, so I'm a basketball fan too!" "Well, " said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a basketball fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then? Mary smiled, and said…………… "then I'd be a football fan."
Best joke I have still ever overheard. Dad to his buddies while I’m 10 years old listening from the porch.
This guy walks into a bar with his briefcase in hand and he’s mad. He sits at the bar, puts his case down and orders a drink. The bartender serves him right up and asks the man what’s got him down. The man gives a disappointed grin and tells the bartender that he can just show him. He opens his briefcase and out pops a tiny person about a foot tall that begins to play his miniature piano. Of course the bartender is amazed and is just about to ask where he found this little guy but is cut off by the man who informs him that there’s a genie outside his bar granting people wishes for free. The bartender sprints outside but comes right back only minutes later followed by an army of quacking ducks that fill the whole place. Angrily, the bartender says to the first man that the genie has: “ Gotta be deaf man! I ask for a million bucks and get a million ducks…” First man says “ Bro, you think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?”
When my mum became a vegan, I couldn’t recognize her
It's like I've never seen Her-bivore
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary…
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too…
Please stop the hate on the lazy people
They didn’t do anything at all