Oh, facepalm.
How many people can you fit on a motorcycle in Rio de Janeiro?
About two Brazilian
The punchline comes before the question.
What's the worst part about time travelling jokes?
A cowboy walks into a saloon and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
"Nope." he replies. "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
I’ve come to the realization that suicide would solve all my problems…
… if I could just get the right people to try it.
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: "dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
I get aroused when I erase pencil drawings
In fact, I think I'm gonna rub one out
I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.
Then I realised the telly wasn't on.
I saw my kid reading Fahrenheit 451. I asked him, “How do you like it?”
He said, “This book is lit.”
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
We’ll we’ll we’ll
If it isn’t autocorrect… EDIT: In case you haven’t noticed, this is a repost. I’m not trying to cover it up, I don’t care. Just wanted to put it out there so the constant spam of comments calling me out on it can let up for a bit.
How do bees brush their hair?
A honeycomb.
A Man has been Stealing the tires of Police cars..
Police are working Tirelessly to catch him.
My GF left me once I stopped taking her to seafood restaurants
Turns out she was only with me for my mussels
The President and his closest allies are involved in a terrible plane crash, and are left clinging to debris in the middle of the stormy sea.
As time passes, their arms grow weaker, and the squall grows stronger, until the waves threaten to swallow them up. Suddenly, an army helicopter appears overhead, and a Soldier on board lowers a rope to pull the President up. As soon as the head of government is brought in, the Soldier turns to him and says, "Sir, unfortunately, this is a very small helicopter, and we only have room for one more person. Who should we rescue?" The President peers over the edge of the chopper, at his closest allies down below. Among them are the Secretary of State, the Chief of Staff, and the National Security Adviser. By now, they are on the verge of being overwhelmed by the stormy sea, and whoever is left behind will certainly drown before more help arrives. He looks from one face to the next, before finally shaking his head in resignation, unable to choose who to save. "I'm too tired, son. Do what you think is best for the Nation." "Sir, yes sir!" The Soldier gives a sharp salute, before pushing the President back into the raging ocean and flying away.
Does anyone know if its possible to get a skin graft from my butt to a close acquaintance?
Arse skin for a friend.
What kind of medical condition causes wrinkles clothes?
An iron deficiency.
How many bones are in your hand?
About a handful
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back
The guy who invented predictive text died last night…
his funfair is next monkey
My calculator is missing the minus button.
But on the plus side,…it still works.
Why did the Easter Egg hide?
Because he was a little chicken.
Another one of those “impeachable if it was any other presidents” to throw on the pile.
https://ift.tt/2CtoYkV
Someone let me know if this joke already kind of exists
Never date a bread maker, They’re so kneady.
The Hindenburg is the greatest feat of aeronautical engineering in all of human history
Edit: Holy shit this blew up
What’s the quickest way to prevent a man from drowning?
Shoot him in the face
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
Why do Hipsters keep drowning while iceskating?
Because they did it before it was cool
Guys, to be Frank…
…. I would have to change my name.
Bro, do you want this pamphlet?
Brochure