Oh god
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
Do you know 1 Comment 1 Upvote will empower your body and you will able to fly in the future
A man heard that masturbating before sex…
A man heard that masturbating before sex often helped blokes last longer during the act. The man decided to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to wank. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
Did you know that the Soviet Union didn’t have mines?
They only had ours!
Why is the letter B so cool?
Because it’s sitting in the middle of the AC
Why don’t dinosaurs talk ?
Because they're dead
What do gay horses eat?
Horse dick.
I just poked myself in the eye.
I can’t see myself doing that again any time soon.
My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name.
But I called her Bluff.
A lesbian mermaid is called an h2omosexual
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I bought some sneakers from my drug dealer
I’m not sure what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
If someone can explain to me why my heating bills are so high..
..My door is always open.
My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records
Then I got kicked out of the library.
What’s an atom with a bad sense of humor?
Not a laughing matter.
my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.
I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.
I used to hate facial hair.
Then it grew on me.
My girlfriend refused to have unprotected sex
I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.
I can cut a piece of wood in two pieces just by looking at it.
It may seem impossible, but I saw it with my own two eyes
You can’t plant flowers…
…if you haven’t botany
Soap Dispenser
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realise there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "its a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood… sure enough he drops the second bar of Soap. The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells! "Mary, Mother of God – Hand Lotion too!
Hey bro, can you hand me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
Why was the forest so noisy?
The tree’s bark.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
Ultrasonic mist maker cured my asthma too. Rife, Lakhovsky
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3h9SE8KeYo&t=727s
Went swimming today. Took a pee in the deep end. Life guard noticed and started blowing his whistle.
I was so scared, I almost fell in.
What is the German word for constipation ?
Fahrfrahmpoopin
I used to be scared of pretty girls,
So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.
You shouldn’t fart in the Apple Store
because they have no windows
I invited all my friends over for my thirty second birthday
After half a minute they all went home.
Why was the locomotive outstanding in his field?
He trained.
The teacher asked, “Name three famous Poles!”
Tommy proudly answered, "North, South and Tad!"
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him
Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-morse code.