Oh god
[NSFW] What’s the difference between this morning and my bosses daughter?
I'm not coming in this morning.
A very old joke called, “Why Worry?”
Why Worry? In life, there are really only two things to worry about. Either you are well, or you are sick. If you are well, there's nothing to worry about. If you are sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you get better, or you die. If you get better, there's nothing to worry about. If you die, there are two things to worry about. Going to Heaven, or going to Hell. If you go to Heaven, there's nothing to worry about. If you go to Hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends that you won't have time to worry…so why worry?
What is a pirate’s favourite letter?
You may think it's R But his first love be the C
I got fired from my job at the bank today
An old lady asked me to check her balance – so I pushed her over
What’s Batman’s favourite fruit?
Ba-na-na-na-na-na
I accidentally locked myself in a room with nothing but a deck of cards..
I was in solitaire confinement.
What does James Bond do before he goes to bed?
He goes undercover
The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured.
His Captain yells, "Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?" "Well Captain", he says, wiping blood from his face, "I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, and he starting walking towards me. And we met in the middle of the road." "And I said to him 'Putin is an evil, murdering, election cheating tyrant!" "And he said to me, 'Trump is retarded, lying, spoiled rotten little baby!" "While we were standing there shaking hands, we got hit by a truck."
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by LOOKING AT IT.
It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes.
My new girlfriend told me I’m terrible in bed
I told her it's unfair to make a judgment in less than a minute.
Have you heard about that guy who got his left hand cut?
He's alright now
My Dad just hit me with this one
A song came on on the speakers and I asked "Is this green Day?" He replied "No, it's valentine's Day"
Did you hear about the lumberjack who got a promotion?
Now he's a branch manager.
A driving teacher asks his student “There are 2 people standing on the road, your mother and your wife. What do you hit?”
Student: "My wife" DT: "For the 3rd time, you'll hit the brakes!"
My phone just told me “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.”
It must be in Airplane! mode.
At the Olympics I saw a man carrying a long sick and I asked, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He said "No. I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?"
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection…
Except the movie Up. He’s never gonna give you Up.
I heard they came up with a millennial version of the Monopoly game.
They just walk around the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.
What do you get when you inject a goat with human DNA?
A ban from the petting zoo.
According to my doctor it should be ok for me to ignore social distancing on Saturdays and Sundays.
He said I have a weekend immune system.
Remember this scene?
Remember this scene?
My friend is trying to convince me to invest in his sword making business.
He makes some really good points.
Had to quit my job at the muffler centre
Too exhausting
What does a gun and a pack of gum have in common?
Everyone suddenly wants to be your friend when you take it out at school.
The Dow Jones drops more than 2000 points today. How long before Trump blames Obama?
https://ift.tt/2IAyOVb
A man dies and he’s able to be in heaven and in hell for 1 day so he could choose which he likes best.
And heaven was boring as fuck and hell was a 24/7 hookers and blow non stop party. So the next day he goes back to st Peter? And says, "nah.. I'm going to stay in hell" and when he goes back down with the devil it's all torture and Sulphur and fire and brimstone and he goes to the devil and says "what the fuck?? Where are the hookers and blow? The dj and pools?" and the devil responds…. "well, that's the difference between being a tourist and being an immigrant"
Why do detectives have such bad posture?
Because they always have a hunch.
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, "Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!"
Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo…
…when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him. A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!". The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him. When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor asks him:"Im confused, why did you shout Mickey Mouse?" "I freaked out" he answers."I meant to shout DONALD DUCK!"
Me: Can you help me get over my gambling addiction?
Therapist: You bet. Me: Yes, that’s why I asked.
Someone threw cheese at me…
Real mature!
Walmart will be closed for Christmas
so that both cashiers can spend time with their families.
My friend couldn’t afford his water bill.
So I sent him a "get well soon" card.