Oh god, even my mum has become one
Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday
He buried someone in the wrong hole. It was a grave mistake.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
People say I have a dad-bod
I prefer to think of it as a father figure.
What’s more expensive, a ladder or a diamond?
The latter.
Did you know the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France?
They were actually cooked in Greece
What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air?
A dead centipede.
What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?
A chicken tender
Why did the pacifist refuse to eat in the Italian Parliament’s cafeteria?
The cooks a-salted everything
On Father’s Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over." But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable."
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to check their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
How do you grab the attention of a pervert?
An NSFW tag
So a guy is walking with a young girl into the woods.
Girl "It is getting dark out and I am getting scared" Man "How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone."
What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
A cold shoulder.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. No time.”
The UK trialled switching to the dollar…
/r/Jokes/comments/f0k1ay/the_uk_tested_switching_to_the_dollar/
This bar joke caught me by surprise
A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.
Courtesy of my youngest child – why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?
Because a cold never bothered her anyway. My youngest son thought of this all by himself…he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.
What do you call a sentence that can hurt you ?
A punchline…
It seems like every Thanksgiving I end up eating leftovers for weeks afterwards…
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
My friend was telling me about the benefits of owning a telescope.
I'm thinking of looking into one.
Where do you go to buy used coffee machines?
Keurigslist
My grandfather died and I inherited some of his belongings.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
If your house doesn’t have house numbers on it,
you need to address that situation.
“Also the whole company depends on this project working smoothly, so no pressure!”
https://ift.tt/36Y4ApK
Today I got complaints about my dog chasing people on a bike
I immediately took away his bike
No, I don’t know where most things are on the map!
I've never been good at geometry.
This asparagus is just…
a spear, I guess.
I got gas today for $1.39.
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
I told my friend I hope to deliver a joke half as well as her some day.
Sadly, we men will never know the joys of childbirth.
What’s brown and sticky?
A Stick
“Mom I have started dating our neighbour…”
"Anders?! But honey, he could be your father!" says mom. Daughter replies "Mom, age is just a number!" "I wasn't talking about his age!"
Shout Out To My Grandpa
Because Thats The Only Way He Can Hear Me