Oh god. Oh fuck
My son: Dad, what’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life?
Me: I poured some concrete once. Son: Was that really hard? Me: It is now. (This took place at lunch earlier today. Was followed by groans all around.)
kids dumb, technology bad ~ trans: there aren’t any icons to click! it’s a blackboard!
https://ift.tt/3eY0TEP
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches
But then I realized it would be a waist of time
A cat died and went to Heaven
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.” The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.” God said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow. A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives… from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again.” God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat… He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?” The cat replied, “Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL… I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-on-Wheels” that You have been sending over are delicious.”
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as a choir boy.
I wrote a joke about minorities.
It's a bit different to the other ones you've heard.
Thanks Coronavirus, now that I work from home I finally had time to make some memes
https://ift.tt/39UnteV
And now it’s stuck in my head
You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, now in quarantine You can dance, you can jive, but you can’t go outside See that girl, watch that scene, but only through a screen
I always thought I had anger issues and was anti-social
but after spending time on Reddit, I'm apparently well adjusted and normal.
I was driving the other day, accidentally hit this guy in the back. Guy gets out. I see that he’s a dwarf. He starts surveying the damage, shakes his head, and says, “Well, I’m not Happy!”
I said, “Well, which one are you?!” And that’s when the fight began.
A man died and was waiting in line to get into Heaven.
He was third in line, and overheard St. Peter talking to the other souls. "What were you in life?" St. Peter asked of one man. "I was a personal injury lawyer," came the reply. "Well, come with me," said St. Peter. "I will show you to your quarters." And St. Peter led the man to a sumptuous palace, more glorious than anything on earth. St. Peter returned to the line, and asked the next man what he did in life. The man replied, "In life, I was Pope John Paul II." St. Peter said, "Let me show you to your quarters," and led the Pontiff to a tiny shack made of the crudest materials imaginable. When St. Peter returned to the line, the man started shouting. "That isn't fair! That was the Pope, and you put him in a terrible house, while some nobody of a lawyer gets the finest palace imaginable! This just doesn't seem right." St. Peter shrugged his shoulders. "What can I say? We've got hundreds of popes up here. It's the first lawyer we've ever had."
A rope walks into a saloon
Before he can even order a drink the bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve your kind 'round here" and throws him out. The rope goes around the corner into an alley, takes out a knife, slices up one of his ends, and wraps himself up like a pretzel. Then he waddles back into the saloon and orders a drink. The bartender stops and looks at him closely then says, "Aren't you that piece of rope I just threw out of here?" The piece of rope puts on his toughest face and in his deepest voice he answers, "Nope. Frayed Knot."
Daughter: “Daddy, why didn’t I get a sunburn?”
Dad: “You can’t, honey?” Daughter: “Really?” Dad: “You can only get a daughterburn.”
A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, “Is my wife here?” His wife replies, “Yes, dear, I’m here, next to you.” The man goes, “Are my children here?” “Yes, Daddy, we are all here,” say the children.
"Are my other relatives also here?" And they say, "Yes, we are all here…" The man sits up and says, "Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?"
I am reading a horror story in Braille
Someone is gonna die, I can feel it.
I just found out “AUGGHHH” isn’t a real word
I can't express how that makes me feel.
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.
I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada. Edit: Sorry.
Have you ever seen a picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved?
It’s beauty was unpresidented.
If you commit 90 sins, you will get caught about half the time.
Because sin90 = cot45
We all know the show is called spongebob squarepants
But Patrick is the star
Master yoda, are we on the right way??
Off course we are
Making fun of kids watching TV while there’s an adult watching TV right there.
https://ift.tt/393HrmE
What so you call a letter with no friends?
Post Alone
Police arrested two kids yesterday
one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other off.
I’m terrified of random letters
me: i'm terrified of random letters therapist: you are? me: [screams] therapist: oh i see me: [screaming intensifies]
A writer approached me today acting strange and asked me to help him find his back garden…
I think he's lost the plot…
My dad’s a geologist, and this is the new hobby I imagine for him with all the shut downs.
https://ift.tt/2UkssPk
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea. (Courtesy of my 6 year old)
What do Jeffrey Epstein and Halloween decorations having common?
They don’t hang themselves. Happy Halloween
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
My ex and I had a safe word
So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.
Her: You got a vasectomy without telling anyone! Are you kidding me?
Me: Technically I can’t.
Believing in 12.5% of the Bible
Makes you an eighth thiest.