oh god oh fuk
How did the potato feel about being uprooted?
It was a root awakening.
After my wide died, I couldnāt look at another woman for 18 years
But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it
If you thought this year was strange, Iāve got some news for you.
2019 will be odd too.
What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters. By the way…
…that was not a question.
While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.
While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the situation, and the daughterās date says, āI can get the peanut out.ā He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the fatherās nose, and tells him to blow hard. The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear. After the daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says, āIsnāt he smart? I wonder what he plans to be.ā The father says, āFrom the smell of his fingers, Iād say our son-in-law.āĀ
My wife and I are finally visiting San Francisco to fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing the Golden Gate in person.
Her: What would you do when we see it? Me: Letās cross that bridge when we get there.
I asked the toy store clerk where the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figures were.
She replied, "Aisle B, back"
A man is walking through the woods…
when he come across a suitcase. Inside the suitcase he finds a fox and her cubs. He dials animal control to report his discovery. The woman on the other end exclaims, "That's horrible… are they moving? The man responds, "I don't know but that would explain the suitcase"
I HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT THAT I KNIGHTED AN ELECTRIC FISH…..
IT WAS SIR EEL
How fast does light travel?
a. 10,000 km/s b. 100,000 km/s c. d. 1,000,000 km/s
Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, “You are charged with beating your wife to death with a shovel.” A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, “You bastard!”
The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a shovel." Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You fucking bastard!!!" The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a fucking shovel he said he didn't have one!"
How do you know when a herpetologist is really upset?
They're throwing a hissy fit.
A priest hooks a huge fish
A priest hooks a huge fish Helping him reel it in, a sailor says āWhoa, look at the size of that fucker!ā. āHey, mind your language!ā says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, āSorry father, but thatās what this fish is called, itās a Fucker fishā. Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. āLook at this huge fuckerā says the priest, spotting the bishop. āLanguage, please! this is Godās house,ā replies the bishop. āNo, no thatās what this fish is called, āsays the priest. āOh,ā says the bishop, scratching his chin āI could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinnerā. So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. āCould you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?ā he asks her. āMy, what language!ā she exclaims, clearly shocked. āNo, sister thatās what the fish is called – a fuckerā, says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, āWonderful, Iāll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!ā The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. āWell, I caught the fucker!ā says the priest. āAnd I cleaned the fucker!ā says the bishop. āAnd I cooked the fucker!ā says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:ā You know what?, You cunts are alright.ā
My favourite word is “Drool”
It sort of rolls off the tongue
A good romance starts with a foundation of trust and friendship.
A bad romance starts with a rah rah rah-ah-ah, roma roma-ma gaga ooh la la
My wife was in jail, so I decided to go in for a conjugal visit.
The kids will never play Monopoly with us again.
I tried to tell some of my vaccinated friends a joke about measles.
But they just didn't get it.
I bought shoes from a drug dealer,
I donāt know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day
Entertainment night at the senior home
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Centre. After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show -Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude. The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch," said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It's a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations," said Claude. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "WATCH THE WATCH — WATCH THE WATCH —- WATCH THE WATCH." The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch. They were hypnotised. And then suddenly, the chain broke! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact. "SHIT," said Claude. It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens Centre. Claude was never invited there again
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the “telephone” he had just made from a string and two tin cans…
I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"
A lamb, a drum and a snake fell off a cliff.
Ba dum tss
Flummoxed, I asked my wife, “Honey, the kids don’t want to eat their vegetables. What do you want me to do?” She shouted back from the other room, “That’s fine. Just throw them out, dear!”
Later, I told them, "Look, I'm just as surprised as you are!" as I helped them pack their suitcases…
In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia…
The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says: "Great rulers of Russia, I seek your wisdom in our country's time of need. How should I lead it to greater prosperity?" The leaders all turn, looking towards a shorter man towards the front: Joseph Stalin. He steps forward, and says to Putin: "Here are the two things that you must do. First, gather up all the Democrat politicians and have them shot. Second, paint the outside of the Kremlin blue." Putin looks back at Stalin, incredulously. "Blue?! Why would I paint the Kremlin blue?" Stalin cracks a smile, and then howls with laughter. Turning towards the rest of the men, he proudly proclaims, "See? I told you he wouldn't ask about the first one!"
Two radio antennas fell in love and got married
The wedding wasnāt much but the reception was incredible!
Cascading opinion
Because downvotes are very offensive.
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. “What are you doing?” she asked him. “I’m going to have a bake sale to buy a car,” he answered. “Where on earth did you get that idea? We’re in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!” He said…
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
My grandpa used to tell this one all the time….How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.
How do you turn a three dimensional printer into a four dimensional printer?
Just give it time.
Just so everybodyās clearā¦
Iām going to put my glasses on…
A guy walks into a dentist office.
He says "Doc, you have to help me! I think I am a moth!" The Dentist says "I can't help you, I'm a dentist, you need a psychiatrist. Why did you even come in here?" The man replies "The light was on."
A 5-year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day.
She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked: "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door. When she opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said: "Hello young lady. Is your grandma home?" The little girl replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."