Oh good god
The person who invented knock knock jokes
Should get a nobell prize
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man asks “do you mind if I say a word” “no, go right ahead” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says…
/r/Jokes/comments/bj9t8d/a_woman_is_sitting_at_her_deceased_husbands/
Why do pirates love reddit?
Tis the best place to trade stolen content for gold. Edit: ARRRR! Me farst gold! Much love me matey!
I got hit in the head by a soda can the other day…
Luckily, it was a soft drink!
My wife said I had a terrible sense of direction…
So I packed my bags and right
Baby gender reveal at my family reunion
My brother’s wife has been pregnant for five months and decided that they wanted to reveal the gender of the baby at our family reunion of about 40 people. One night, after just finishing up a BBQ, my brother and his wife stand up and announce to the family that they are going to have a little baby girl. Everyone starts cheering, naturally. Once the cheers die down a little I shout out, “Do you have a name for the baby yet?” My brother replies, “Yeah. Liana Noelle.” Everyone starts to “Ooohhh” and “Ahhhh” and proclaim how pretty of a name it is. Then after a moment I shout, “How the hell are you supposed to spell Liana with no L?”
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the Lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
Why is 6 afraid of 7..
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
An IRL dad joke
My dad and I are going out tonight and I asked if he could pick me up. He said "I think so – I've been working out!"
Electrons have mass?!
I didn’t even know they were catholic!
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
I asked my mum, “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
Living with Roommates
If any of you have roommates that you love to death, please don't watch this video. For those of you who have those roommates that drive you up a wall and you are questioning your sanity on a daily basis, please watch this video. Video Link: https://youtu.be/ec2giEHgg4I
How many EA employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
[Unlock the punchline now for just 7.99!]
How would you spot a blind man at a nude beach?
It's not hard
My dad passed away last year because my family didn’t know blood type in time for the doctors to do a transfusion.
As he was dying he kept saying "be positive" but it's hard without him.
I recently fucked my best friend after my girlfriend dumped me.
I don’t know wtf I was doing fucking a guy but I obviously wasn’t thinking straight
Farmer Joe’s bull breaks down the barbed wire fence again…
Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to replace that fence, but I'm getting too old for the hard work. Why don't you hire some of the folks at r/jokes? I hear they're the best at reposting"
I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
I’ve heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.
Is this Trudeau?
Why did Costco stop selling 5 gallon jars of pickles?
shelving them was cucumbersome
Did you know that TON spelled backwards is NUT
No it’s not
I was on the phone with my wife and said, “I’m almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on.” After a twenty second pause, I asked, “You still there sweetheart?”
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records
Then the librarian told me to take it out.
I sent my wife a picture of my flaccid penis.
Just to let her know I was thinking of her.
Whats the difference between Me and a Calendar ?
a Calendar has dates.
Teacher : Why didn’t you come to the school yesterday?
Student : My dad is in the hospital 1 week later.. Teacher : Is your dad still in the hospital? Student : Yes, he is a doctor.
Do you wanna hear a ghost joke ?
that's the spirit.
What’s the difference between choking fetish and necrophilia?
About 15 seconds
I used to shave my scrotum with a straight razor.
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
I’m going to open a restaurant that serves a fusion of Hawaiian and Jamaican cuisines
I'm going to call it Poke, Mon
What’s the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data and the other is a hardware standard.
Wearing Crocs is like getting a blowjob from a guy.
Both feel really good until you look down and realize you're gay.
The wage gap isn’t real
Men just go for higher paying jobs like doctor, CEO, lawyer ect. Where as women pick lower paying jobs like female doctor, female lawyer, and female CEO
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
