Oh good god
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Knock knock. Who’s there? Olive. Olive who?
Olive the other reindeer!
A blind man went to a restaurant.
menu sir? asked the owner. I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order. The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables. Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!
I don’t trust people who do acupuncture.
They’re all backstabbers
Your uncle David just lost his ID
Now you can call him uncle Dav.
What does a house wear
Adress
Just a normal day in Pakistan
Just a normal day in Pakistan
I had a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant..
..but apparently all it does is change the colour of your baby.
I hope someone woke up Green Day
No text found
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
There are 3 genders
Male Female IMAGINATION
Have you heard about that guy who got his left hand cut?
He's alright now
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.
But I couldn't find a manual.
Sex on the job
Client: "Why did you have sex with her?!" Employee: "She was just lying there naked! What else was I supposed to do?" Client: "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!" Employee: "I don't tell you how to do your job; don't tell me how to do mine!" Client: "You're the worst veterinarian of all time!"
To be frank
I’ll have to change my name.
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi.
[Warning]: 18+
19.
I was watching porn with my wife and she complained, “This is so unrealistic.”
I said, “Just because you’re unwilling to try new things, doesn’t mean everyone’s that frigid.” “Not that,” she explained, “It’s just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny cocks.”
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
I told my wife I bought a pencil with two erasers
She said "what's the point?" My daughter insisted I post her joke here, haha.
I was in the park today when a woman came up to me and said, “Are you taking photos of my daughter on your iPhone?”
“Yes I’m taking photos of her,” I replied, “But it’s not what you think.” “So what is it then?” she asked. I said, “Its a OnePlus.”
Why did the soda factory worker quit his job?
It was too much fizzical labor.
How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?
The drill slipped.
Sample guy at grocery store: You can take one if you want to.
Me: Can I take two if I want three?
My book on clocks finally arrived.
It's about Time!
I’ve recently been asking people what LGBTQ means
No ones been able to give me a straight answer yet
One of my kitchen gadgets is randomly playing classical music
I think it’s the Chopin board.
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason…
…details are sketchy.
My wife claims she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I’m worried she won’t be able to pull it off.
My ex girlfriend was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number.
I wonder what she is up to now.
Iron Man is technically a FEmale.
I will down vote myself on the way out….