But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
Bears must really like Hip-Hop.
It improved my outlook.
I failed a health and safety course yesterday. One of the questions was ‘in the event of a fire, what steps would you take?’
‘Large ones’ was apparently the wrong answer.
Jumping to a conclusion.
Because their horns don't work
He got a sentence.
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.
I was doing a pretend job interview with my 6 year old daughter and I asked her, “where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
She said: “in a mirror” This really happened and I still laugh every time I think about it.
I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.
I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
One day, Jack falls seriously ill, and doesn’t have long to live. Sam visits him in the hospital to say goodbye. Sam asks him a favor before he passes. “Hey Jack, when you get to heaven, can you see if there is baseball there? If there is, tell me.” “I can certainly try, for my best friend.” Later that Wednesday night, Jack passed away. Thursday night, Sam is asleep in bed, when all of the sudden Jacks spirit appears in front of him. “AHHHH! Who are you?” “Calm down, calm down. It’s me Jack.” “Good hell, you scared me half to death.” “It’s ok, but I’ve come with good news and bad news.” “Well, what’s the good news then?” pondered Sam. “There is baseball in heaven.” “Thank goodness,” said Sam, feeling wonderful, “but what’s the bad news?” “You’re pitching Tuesday.”
Sometimes he laughs … :/
Shortcake (Sorry, I needed a cake related joke for my first year on reddit)
Now they just call me Dav.
Sorry I’m late.
"It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front and an ‘e’ at the end."
A 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback.
I opened the fridge's door, the light came on, the juice was cold. What the hell did she mean?
Great man, terrible geologist
Sure enough, right after Obama took office, swine flu.
I yelled, "Are you crazy?!" He waved me off, saying, "It's OK, my brother does it all the time." The next light was red too, and he just sailed on through again. "You're gonna get us killed," I shouted. And he again replied, "It's OK, my brother does it all the time." The next light was green, so I was feeling better, but my cousin slammed on the brakes. I asked, "Now what?" He said, "Gotta be careful, my brother might be coming the other way."
the doctor said “I know you can’t, i’ve cut off your arms!
Oh, high marks.