Oh, I get it. Robin. Ha. Ha. Ha.
I’ve just bought the personalized number plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
I did not know what to wear to my premature ejaculation club meeting
So I just came in my pants
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
It's a really small number, you've probably never heard of it.
She couldnât stay away from her granddaughter anymore. This was her solution.
https://ift.tt/2XXVpnO
When I was a kid, my Dad asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I was greedy and came up with the âbrilliantâ idea to ask for 10 thousand bucks instead of a toy so that I could buy heaps of toys.
To my surprise he shrugged and said sure. On Christmas Day, I excitedly tore open my gift box. To my anger and disappointment, it only contained 10 plastic toy pigs and deers. âDaaaaaddd!!!!â I wailed in tears. Dad gave me the biggest shit-eating grin and said âWell, I got you ten sows and bucks just like you asked.â
To the person who took my antidepressants:
I hope youâre happy!
A lawyer’s trick . . .
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defenseâs closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. âLadies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,â the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.â He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, âActually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.â The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. âBut how?â inquired the lawyer. âYou must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.â The jury foreman replied: âOh, we did look, but your client didnât.â
Social distancing has led to Hooters offering delivery to your door.
Theyâre changing their name to Knockers.
The biggest, toughest American soldier in the platoon in Eastern Europe limps in, badly injured.
His Captain yells, "Good Lord Corporal! What happened to you?" "Well Captain", he says, wiping blood from his face, "I was out on watch, and I looked across the road. And I saw this Russian soldier, real big bastard. And I looked at him, and he looked at me. So I started walking towards him, and he starting walking towards me. And we met in the middle of the road." "And I said to him 'Putin is an evil, murdering, election cheating tyrant!" "And he said to me, 'Trump is retarded, lying, spoiled rotten little baby!" "While we were standing there shaking hands, we got hit by a truck."
Why Americans donât use metric?
Foot fetish
Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. “I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits” he says….
…."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband." The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it all off." She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!" Again, the bloke apologizes and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now – what do you want? "I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup." The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. "What's up love?" he asks. "There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says. "I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the Husband. "Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my ass cheeks and lick it off" she screams. "Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a bat. "Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries! The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on. "Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically. "Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness…"
*Ron Howard voice* they were put in the 3rd floor of a building with a history of elevator issues
*Ron Howard voice* they were put in the 3rd floor of a building with a history of elevator issues
When I was a teen I was addicted to masturbation and as I grew older I become a sex addict.
In retrospect, I think my addiction just got out of hand.
A brother asks his sister to marry him…
She replies, "if you incest".
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent!
A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well…uh…that's because the picture I showed is his side profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second guy smiles, flips his hair, and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the third guy replied." He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
I was like, 0mg!
The Testicular Cancer Clinic called me to ask whether I got their email. I said no.
They said, âMaybe you should check your junk.â
Why are fish easy to weigh?
They have their own scales!
How do you make the number one disappear?
Just add a G and itâs gone
I found a spot of cancer on my bingo card.
But don't worry, it was B9.
I’m not sure if my ceiling is the best i’ve ever had
but it's certainly up there.
A person asked me, “Aren’t you the guy who brags about weird stuff?”
I replied, "No, Im the guy who takes the longest baths in the city".
I left a bunch of barbed wire and posts out the front of my house in suggestive poses
I hope nobody takes a fence.
My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, âCan you imagine being that strong?â
So I picked up the leaf and said, âYes.â
My chemistry teacher asked me :
Teacher: Whatâs the monomer of rubber? Me: Is it monobber?