I feel like a car with twenty wheels today.
Very tired
I lost my job at the bank my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over
Man: I would like to return a defective boomerang.
Shop owner: Sure. Where is it? Man: I have no idea.
My daughter asks me all the time “Daddy, can you put my shoes on?”
“No, I don't think they'll fit me.” Is my go to answer. Bless her she still laughs and says “silly daddy”. She’s 3 🙂
Today was terrible.
My ex got hit with a bus and I lost my job as a bus driver.
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Where did Noah keep the bees on his Ark?
The Ark hives.
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
Three high ranking Axis soldiers are about to be interrogated
One is a member of the Gestapo. One is an Imperial Japanese officer. And one is a Fascist Italian Commander. They are all sitting in their holding cell discussing what they are going to do when they get interrogated. The German says, "My superior German spirit and intelligence will make it impossible for them to break me." The Japanese says, "It is only through my undying devotion to the Emperor that I will be able to withstand their torture." The Italian says, "I'm fucked." The German is the first to be interrogated, and as he leaves they wish him luck. Nearly a whole day passes before the German returns to the cell, covered in bruises and blood. The other two ask him what happened. "Even my perfect genes could not protect me from their methods. I have failed my country," Next, the Japanese is up to be interrogated. 3 days pass and he returns to the cell. His eyes are both black, fingers broken, and body bruised and bloodied. "I have dishonored myself and my Emperor. When they release me, I must commit honorable seppuku." Lastly, the Italian is up, and he leaves already begging for his life. A whole week passes before he returns. Beaten nearly to death, he is carried in by 2 soldiers. One of the soldiers jeers, "I can't believe you guys broke instead of this dago." The other 2 are shocked. Amazed that this Italian could take their punishments and not break. They ask him how he did it. "I wanted to give in immediately, but I couldn't speak." "What do you mean you couldn't speak?" The others ask. "They tied my hands behind my back."
Why can’t chickens tell time properly?
They don't have enough bucks to buy clucks.
I once met a girl with twelve nipples.
Sounds funny. Dozen tit.
I haven’t understood a single joke since this quarantine started.
They must all be inside jokes.
Did you know the titanic was the biggest whore in all the seven seas?
Everyone went down on her
65,000,011 years ago
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."
Why are curious people so good at singing?
Because they inquire.
A man and a woman are standing in an elevator. The woman suddenly asks “Is having a penis nice?”
The man laughed and said “Eh, it has its ups and downs.”
My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf
I haven’t heard from him since.
Did you know that the first French Fries weren’t cooked in France or America?
They were cooked in Greece.
I have a russian friend who’s a sound engineer.
And a Czech one too, and a Czech one too.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line!
Adam meets a witch
The witch tells him: "Tell me I am pretty or you will be cursed"! Adam: "Sorry, but I don't find you attractive." Witch: "Take that back, or you most surely will be cursed! Adam: "Nope. You're hideous." The witch then transformed him into an ant. Witch: "Look where your rudeness brought you! " Adam: "Yeah this sucks, but you still look like a moldy potato." Witch: "Very well, then. You will remain in this form until you repent and call me pretty!" He is still adamant.
I was born at a very young age.
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Why did the blind man fall down the well?
He couldn't see that well.
I had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.
I guess you could say it was more of a Fanta sea.
A voice at the back of my head keeps telling me…
..that the doctors really screwed up my mouth surgery.
I was feeling lonely, so i bought some shares.
It's much nicer having some company.
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.