My wife and I got in a big argument over how she wanted to give birth.
It was our first midwife crisis.
I think my parents are the funniest people in the world
They made a joke 19 years ago, and people are still laughing at it.
I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.
He said he couldn't complain.
What’s the difference between acne and a priest?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're 13.
Did you hear about the 3 holes in the ground?
Well, well, well…
Y’know working in a DIY/Hardware store has it’s odd moments.
Last week I caught someone trying to steal a light bulb! When I asked them if they needed help the person quickly shoved the bulb into their mouth and muttered. "Nah mate just looking for a light snack!" and walked off.
Is sex a joke?
If it is, I don't get it
What did the grape say when he got stepped on?
Nothing, he just let out a little wine
Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages.
They are calling it the wurst käse scenario.
A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”
The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.” "And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy. “Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body." The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?” "These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet." "So tell me then," added the boy. "Yes, my son…” "Why are we living in London and still wearing all this shit?
What did the redditor say after robbing a jewellery store?
Edit:OMG thanks for the silver Edit 2:WTF OMG thanks for the gold EDIT 3:OMFG THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE PLATINUM
Been dating the same girl for 5yrs.
Been dating the same girl for 5yrs and I always keep her picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And it comforts me knowing that if I can survive being in a relationship with this psychopath, I can survive anything.
A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.
He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems." Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?" The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended." The Turkish respond: "Okay, maybe we should settle this outside." The Russian: "That's your second problem: You always want to solve your problems with violence." The Turkish bring him outside and pull their knives. The Russian: "And here's your third problem. You always bring knives to gun fights."
Why haven’t aliens visited yet?
They checked the reviews of our solar system and only saw one star
I can always tell when I’m near an Indian restaurant
That's naan-sense, of course.
Did you know that before the crowbar was invented
They just drank at home.
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Safety. Remember that safety always comes first.
Aspirin
A man comes home to his wife with a jar of aspirin. "honey, I got you this aspirin" "but I don't have a headache" "great, let's fuck"
If you’re reading this, you’ve been in a coma for 10 years
We’re trying a new technique. We don’t know where this message will end up in your dream, but we’re hoping we got through PLEASE WAKE UP
A year ago when I joined Reddit I threw a boomerang to celebrate
I now live in constant fear
A physicist see a man about to jump from a ledge. He yells.
"Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
What did the baby corn say to the momma corn?
Where's pop corn?
Man, on a first date: How do you feel about sex? Woman: I like it infrequently.
Man: I see. Is that one word or two?
How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux!
I asked my friend Sam to sing a song about the iPhone.
And then Samsung.
Paratroopers from England, Scotland, France and the US were on a plane…
During World War II, four paratroopers each from England, Scotland, France and the US, were on a plane about to jump when they realized there was only one serviceable parachute. The French paratrooper downed a glass of cognac, said "Pour la France!" and jumped without the parachute. The American downed a glass of bourbon, said "For freedom!" and jumped without the parachute. The Scotsman downed a glass of whiskey, said "For Scotland!" and threw the Englishman.
I just bought my son a flat piece of cardboard for Christmas.
I have no idea why he wants an ex box