Oh My FuCkInG gOd
My Wife and I were watching Disney+ and it started to lag.
My Wife: Is it frozen? Me: No, it’s Wreck It Ralph. She’s 19 weeks pregnant, I can feel the dad joke wit rising!
My daughter was playing with my computer when she broke the R button and tried to eat it.
I guess she just craves anarchy.
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
A couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself." So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?" "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department. The girl finished her bath and went to bed. Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours." "Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before." "I know," he said…. "but the f*ckin darts team hadn't!
I don’t think the guy climbing the ladder above me wipes,
It was an unpleasant asscent.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
![Eight missed calls from [chain restaurant]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/7J01bKc-400x439.jpg)
Well today is my first cake day.
And that means my Reddit account is older than most anti-vax kids will ever be.
Why did Waldo wear stripes?
Because he did not want to be spotted
So I killed 5 zombies and a vampire…
… I'm just trying to figure out why they were all carrying bags of candy 🤔
What do you call a group of introverts?
A paradox.
Dr. Frankenstein asks Igor if he knows where his monster wandered off to.
Igor responds, "I'm not sure, but I have a hunch."
I tripped in France
Eiffel over
Not really humour apart from how fucking absurd it is. How do people justify this?
https://ift.tt/37Fudf5
I’ve run out of toilet paper and started using old newspapers instead
The times are rough
Which differential operator requires the strictest boundary conditions?
The Stern- Liouville operator
My friend lost his job at the dairy farm because of his erratic behaviour.
He was a danger to himself and udders.
We’ll we’ll we’ll…
if it isn't autocorrect?
3:15pm So the hockey season got cancelled in Canada because of the coronavirus
6:30pm Canada is now testing the vaccine for coronavirus
I’m not sure if I like the game Battleship
The experience has always been hit-or-miss for me.
If you upload 1000 pictures on Instagram..
.. is it like uploading one picture in Instakilogram?
I ordered some wonton soup at a Chinese restaurant, but it seems they misunderstood my order.
So I guess I'm opening up a soup kitchen.
A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey
When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it. As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks. The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just whiskey." "But it's sinful and wicked!" "How do you know it's so bad, then? Have you ever tasted whiskey?" "Of course not! My sisters and mother superior told me how evil drink is." "But how do they know? Have they ever had a drink?" They go back and forth like this for a while, before at last, the nun relents. "Well, I suppose that if I were to try a sip of whiskey, I would better understand how it corrupts the soul. But it wouldn't do for any of my sisters to come by here and see me drinking. Could you order me one in a teacup?" The man agrees this is fair, and walks inside to the barman. "Two whiskeys, but put one in a teacup, please." The barman slams his hand down on the bar and shouts, "Is that damn nun here again!?"
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says "Don't do it, man you'll never hear the end of it.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Whenever I undress in the bathroom..
My shower gets turned on.
A farmer saw a plane full of politicians crash near his farm.
When emergency services arrived, they asked the farmer what happened? FARMER: They crashed near my farm and I buried all of them. One of the firemen asked with shock; "are you sure they were all dead"? FARMER: Some of them were screaming, "we are still alive". But I couldn't believe them. You know, these politicians. They can lie.
I saw a lizard with angry red skin. It then turned orange! Then it turned yellow. Then green. Then blue. Then indigo, until it finally became a relaxing shade of violet.
Calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer chameleon.
[Warning]: 18++
19.
Why was the broom late for the meeting?
It overswept.
I don’t want to sound racist, but…
Every one in the KKK looks the same to me.
I bought a dictionary and when I got home I realized all the pages were blank…
I have no words for how angry I am.
Why do the people of Athens never wake up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece