Oh My FuCkInG gOd
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight….
There would be mass confusion
I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.” I said, “Scissors, I win!” and I drove off.
He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages!
I can sympathize with batteries.
I never get included in anything either.
I never understood school shooting jokes
I guess they’re aimed at a younger audience….
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
What has 4 letters , sometimes has 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.
Just a hint: I didn't ask a question
A dwarf walks into a
A dwarf walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass. The madam asks how she can help him. He says "I need a woman for mine has left me." The madam says "Whatever for? And what are the honeycomb and jackass for?" The dwarf says, "my wife found a genie that could grant her three wishes. For the first wish she asked for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this honeycomb, the second wish she asked for the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this Jackass. The madam then asks "what about the third wish?" "She asked the genie for my cock to hang down past my knee." "That's not so bad." "Not so bad?" Spluttered the dwarf "I used to be 6 foot 3!"
I went to a zoo that only had a dog in it.
It was a shih tzu
For those of you who were superstitious yesterday, today should be worse…
It's Pi day the 14th, expect irrational fear
What’s blue and not heavy?
Light blue
Helen Keller was truly an inspiration,
She was able to learn how to read and write despite being from Alabama
What has four legs but can’t walk?
A table!
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.” “Do you think it will work?” she asks the doctor. “It’s worth a try,” he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.” “What?” says the priest. “What happened?” “You gave birth to a child.” “But that’s impossible!” “I just did the operation,” insists the doctor. “It’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.” About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.” The son says, “What do you mean, you’re not my father?” The priest replies, “I’m your mother. The archbishop is your father.”
What is SpongeBob’s least desirable personality trait?
He’s too self absorbed.
I got fired just because I wore a mini skirt!
Appearently my boss doesn't want to see my dick.
I found a rock yesterday which measured 1760 yards in length…
Must be some kind of milestone…
Tetris is a good game
In fact, you could even say it was a blockbuster
My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.
Just this morning she asked, “Is that the best you can do?”
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing… They fast!
My daughter lost her first tooth today
I bet she won't touch my X- box again !
Where does a poor italian live?
In Spaghetto
I added Paul Walker as a friend on X-box…
But he spends all his time on his dashboard
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work………
My wife is like a newspaper…
there is a new issue every single day.
TIL: If you sit on your hand until you can’t feel it anymore
and log in to your online banking system. It feels like someone else is paying your bills.
The devil visits a politician and makes him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you," the devil says. "I'll get you billions of dollars, unlimited political influence, and anything else you can dream of. All I ask for in return is death, disease and poverty for millions of people around the world." The politician thinks for a moment and says, “What's the catch?"
While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
To spell “panda” all you need is..
.. p and a.
Toasters
Were the first form of pop up notifications
A dad puts a deer in the oven and doesn’t tell the children what they’re having
Dad: “We’re having what Mum calls me” Kid: “DONT EAT IT ITS A FUCKING DICK”
Why do cows have hooves?
Because they lactose.
I watched my first porno film last week….
I looked so much younger then.
My wife screamed in pain during labour
I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!” “I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
I’m glad you like my tiny candles!
I really needed that votive confidence.
I left my wife because she was so obsessed with counting..
I wonder what she's up to now 🤔
What does a robot do at the end of a one-night stand?
He nuts and bolts!
A wife shows her husband a picture and says, “The camera adds 10 pounds”…
The husband, bewildered, says, "Why would you eat a camera!?"
Trump goes to Russia to have dinner with Putin…
After dinner they’re hanging around the palace smoking cigars when Putin says “watch this”. He rings a little bell and this beautiful Russian girl walks in, gets on her knees in front of him, and starts sucking his dick. After a few moments Putin smacks her on the back of the head and yells “stop!”, and without a word she gets up and walks out of the room. Putin turns to Trump and says “you wanna try?” “Sure” Trump says, “but don’t smack me on the back of the head please, that looks like it hurts”.