… I'm just trying to figure out why they were all carrying bags of candy 🤔
She’s still not talking to me.
They arrived safe and sound
He is de-composing.
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Dave's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died" Dave replied, "Well, then just give me my money back" The farmer said, "Can’t do that. I went and spent it already" Dave said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse" The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Dave said, "I’m going to raffle him off" The farmer said, "You can’t raffle off a dead horse!" Dave said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead" A month Later, the farmer met up with Dave and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?" Dave said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495" The farmer said, "Didn’t anyone complain?" Dave said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back"
He was in an accident and lost a lot of blood but nobody knew his blood-type. I’ll never forget his inspirational last words, “Be positive”.
Trust me, the difference is apparent.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
me: make math go away Genie: ok, that one's on the house me: yay, so I still get three wishes? Genie: huh?
He said I have to start paying in advance
Dragon 1: It's hot in here Dragon 2: Shut your mouth
Me: I don’t think very fast at all Wife: Why not?! Me: Well I mean they have all that dead weight in the back… Literally a conversation we had last night. She actually laughed out loud!
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50…and I get $43 back from Medicare
Guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
So after 24 hours, I called it a day!
Then I could sleep longer.
Because they like to beat the crowd.
To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
I wanted to make a joke out of it, but I think it would be very tasteless.
It was historical
In a dadabase….
A cup of Joe.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile…
That I came to the door naked or that I knew where he lived
and it's fucking discussing.
Because why nacht.
Well I’ll be damned.
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.