Oh no.
My wife always prefers the stairs, whereas I always like to take the elevator.
I guess we are raised differently.
If I had a dollar for every time I didn’t know what was going on…
I'd be like, why am I always getting all this money?
A guy is golfing by himself and shanks a ball hard.
He yells, "Goddamn it all to hell!" St. Peter hears him and asks God, "Aren't you going to do anything about that?" God says, "Yep." Next hole is a long par five over water ending in a dog leg. The guy tees up and crushes the ball. It hits the water but just as it does, a turtle surfaces. The ball bounces off the turtle's shell and gets another hundred yards. Just as its about to stop rolling, a squirrel runs over and grabs the ball before being immediately snatched by a gorgeous red tail hawk. The hawk flies him off and just over the green the squirrel drops the ball. The ball hits the green, rolls and falls in the hole. Most amazing par five hole-in-one in history. St. Peter, astonished says, "You call that punishment?" God replies, "Yep. There was nobody around to see it."
An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a street light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?' The doctor replies, โ1500+hp Porsche 917/30. It cost half a million dollars!โ 'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?' 'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly. The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?' 'No problem,' replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, 'That's a pretty nice car, all right… But I'll stick with my Moped!' Just then the light changes, and the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH ! Something whips by him going much faster! 'What on earth could be going faster than my Porsche?' the doctor asks himself. He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Porsche up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped! Amazed that the Moped could pass his Porsche, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the sportscar all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Porsche is flat out, and there's nothing he can do! Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Porsche, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor…. Is there anything I can do for you?' The old man whispers, 'Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror!'.
Describe yourself in three words
Not good at math
My wife left me because she thinks I’m too insecure…
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
I set up my thumbprint to unlock my phone
It doesn't work all the time though, I just can't put my finger on it.
I had to replace my chain saw
The old one just wasn't cutting it anymore.
Two drunk men walked in to a brothels m (NSFW)
Two piss-drunk men visited a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice. After finishing their act, on their way back……… 1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noise or made a move. Upon this, the 2nd drunk says: Mine was worse……. I think she was a witch!!! 1st drunk: Why would you say that??? 2nd drunk: Well i gave her a little love bite on her bum…..She farted in my face and flew out of the window! Edit: wow! Frontpage. This blew up like the doll! I can't correct the typos. My apologies.
A year ago when I joined Reddit I threw a boomerang to celebrate
I now live in constant fear
TRUE FACT
Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field
But hay, it's in my jeans.
A German walks into a bar
and says, "can I have a martini please?" "Dry?" "No, just one."
Dad jokes
But usually he's pretty serious
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
So she can moan with the other.
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels.
She didnโt know I existed.
(x-post r/jokes) My wife told me that she couldn’t turn her neck because it hurts so much, so I told her to look forward to a massage tonight…
…Since she can't look sideways anyways…
My daughter asks me all the time โDaddy, can you put my shoes on?โ
โNo, I don't think they'll fit me.โ Is my go to answer. Bless her she still laughs and says โsilly daddyโ. Sheโs 3 ๐
My obese parrot died..
It was sad, but it was a huge weight off my shoulders..
My girlfriend told me, โI donโt think Iโve ever seen you sweep or mop in my life.โ
I said, โFloors are beneath me.โ
What do you call a belt made out of watches?
Waist of time.
They’re finally making a movie about clocks…
…it's about time.
Whatโs the quickest way to prevent a man from drowning?
Shoot him in the face
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter.
P. Without it they're irate.
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work…
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a baseball." Man – "That's nice." Boy – "Want to buy it?" Man – "No, thanks." Boy – "My dad's outside." Man – "OK, how much?" Boy – "$150" Man – "Sold." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy – "Dark in here." Man – "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a Wilson infielder's glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,"How much?" Boy – "$350" Man – "Highway robbery. Sold." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says, "$500" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."
My Buddhist friend was stopped by a Christian
They asked if she would consider following the word of Jesus Christ. She replied, โno thanks, but maybe next time around.โ
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a light bulb?
To get to the other side!