Oh no
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
I’ve heard so much about the “Eye Of The Tiger”, but how come no one talks about…
…the other four letters?
An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him…
… the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish. They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly. The woman speaks up and says "I'm a prostitute and its going to be 100 dollars for my service." The man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him. He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly. The woman tells him that she is ready to leave and the man replies "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be 150 dollars for the ride here and back."
I had a gold fish who could break dance on a carpet.
… for 20 seconds. … And only once.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting him for Christmas?
Because he felt his presents…
My favorite sex position is called WOW.
It’s where I flip your MOM over.
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world,
but it’s definitely up there.
Let me begin by telling you a little bit about myself..
It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'…
Who was the first plagiarist?
Moses. He could control sea.
How many EA employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
[Unlock the punchline now for just 7.99!]
My son said he was going to read a book by the fire.
I said, "That's a weird name for an author."
[NSFW] How do you find a blind man at a nude beach?
It’s not hard.
Which fruit likes to tease the others?
The banana nana boo boo
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Show him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
The blowjob confession.
A Catholic man is waiting in a practically empty church to give confession when the priest jumps out of the booth and tells him he has to go to the bathroom and asks him if he can take over. There is a cheat sheet on Hail Marys and Our Fathers for each of the sins and all he has to do is read them off. The man agrees and takes a few confessions reading off the list when a woman comes in and says she has cheated on her husband and given a blowjob to another man. He searches the list and can’t find the penance for a blowjob. He pops out of the confessional and asks an alter boy “quick, what does the priest give for a blowjob?” The Alter boy says “2 candy bars and a coke.
A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast.
“Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?” He declines. “It’s this Viagra,” he says, “it’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?” Again he declines. “No, thanks. It’s this Viagra,” he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. “Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That’ll only take a couple of minutes…?” Once more, he declines. “Again, thanks, but it’s this Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.” “Well, then”, she says, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking STARVING!”
A dad was depressed, so he went to the liquor store
He bought some whiskey, and tequila When he got home, he set them on the table His son immediately picked up both bottles The dad asks "What are you doing?!" The son responds "You were sad, so I'm lifting your spirits"
My dad’s a geologist, and this is the new hobby I imagine for him with all the shut downs.
https://ift.tt/2UkssPk
Things I do to piss off my wife
Sext her out of nowhere and then text back right away “sorry wrong person”
Ultrasonic mist maker cured my asthma too. Rife, Lakhovsky
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3h9SE8KeYo&t=727s
I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.
I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.
Just read a book about the history of glue
I couldn’t put it down
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”
The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"