Oh no
I got an invite to a wedding that said “black tie only” But
when I got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.
I started a business building Yachts in my attic
Sails are through the roof.
The girlfriend and I just drove by a shoe in the road
GF: A shoe! Me: Bless you Was pretty proud of myself for a couple minutes.
A little girl opens the door to find a priest with a collection tin.
“What can I do for you, Father?” “I’m collecting for the orphanage.” “Just a moment,” says the little girl, closing the door. The priest waits patiently, then suddenly hears first one gunshot, then another. The little girl returns to the door and says: “OK, you can take me now.”
The wife said she is leaving because of my sexual fetishes
I said great! don't forget to slam the door on my cock on the way out Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind door slammer.
I’ve asked my girlfriend to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the bar…
Well, she always said she wanted a night in shining armor!
Why can’t you email a photo to a Jedi?
Because attachments are forbidden
People tend to get shocked…
When they find out I'm a really bad electrician.
When a short person waves at you….
Its called a microwave
Things I do to piss off my wife
Sext her out of nowhere and then text back right away “sorry wrong person”
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make things interesting.”
So we stopped playing chess.
The frog
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said no. He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere, how can you say the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside when you heard someone coming… that was me"
When Mozart was alive, he was composing. Now that he’s dead,
He's decomposing
Asked My Date To Meet Me At The Gym, But She Never Showed Up…
Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out
I’ve developed a fetish for figuring things out.
I just came to that realization.
I said to my psychiatrist, “My wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.” He replied, “I don’t think you’re crazy. I like sausages too.”
"Really?!" I shouted. "You should come over to my house and see my collection!"
A man walks into a pub….
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
My wireless keyboard isn’t working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
Is “buttcheeks” one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
Justice is best served cold.
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Why does ketchup always have good vision?
Because Heinz's sight is always 20-20.
A Priest, an Imam, and a Rabbit walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "I think there's a typo hare".
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good – I ain't got any kids!"
I hate negative numbers.
I will stop at nothing to avoid them
ok so a stoner, a jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar…
Blunt force trauma
What do you call a communist sniper
A marxman
I just got hired at a company that makes bicycle wheels!!
I’m the spokesperson
Two years ago my doctor told me I’m going deaf
I haven't heard back from him since
What kind of school do belly buttons go to?
Navel academies.
I never understood why people are surprised to hear Elvis died on the toilet.
Historically it's rare for a King to leave the throne alive.
What did Godzilla say after he devoured Hawaii?
I WANT SAMOA!!
What’s everyone doing next month?
Cause I’m not sure – I don’t have 2020 vision. You’re welcome, Dad
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon Fresh.
I’ll let you know.
