Oh no guys
I introduced my friend to my daughter Beth
He asked me, what’s Beth short for? I thought it was really rude, she’s only three
What’s the most cryptic animal language?
Horse code
Yo, wanna hear a joke about someone who never goes outdoors?
Nah on second thoughts you won't get it. It's an inside joke.
Coronavirus
I bet the guy who invented hand sanitizer is rubbing his hands together now.
An adorable old woman visits the doctor.
“Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least ten times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because it doesn’t smell and is silent.” The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.” The next week the lady returns. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly.” “Good,” the doctor says. “Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise…’
Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning?
He was just too far out, man.
My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned…
I thought we had good alchemy…
I never understood school shooting jokes
I guess they’re aimed at a younger audience….
When I was a teen I was addicted to masturbation and as I grew older I become a sex addict.
In retrospect, I think my addiction just got out of hand.
I really need to fix my watch but…
I never have the time
Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, “The Exorcist”. She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn’t finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.
I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.
Why did the writer have his desk next to the window?
He liked to feel the draft coming in.
Me, trying to sound smart: So, who is your favorite philosopher?
Her: It’s Hume. Me: Sorry, whom is your favorite philosopher?
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she laughed.
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
Guy wakes up in a hospital room, badly beaten within inches of his life.
The doctor is standing over him and asks him what happened. He thinks back. “I was golfing with my wife. She shanked her pink ball into a small cow pasture, just beyond the rough. I went to look for it and finally found it in a cow’s butthole. Last thing I remember is I lifted the tail and shouted ‘HONEY! This looks like yours!!!!’”
Did you know Rick Astley was a huge Pixar fan? He will lend you any movie except one.
He’s never gonna give you Up.
My penis is like a joke on reddit..
People seeing it for the first time usually laugh. And those who have seen it before get mad that they’re seeing it again.
I hope that when Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn’t swim.
The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.
What’s the difference between sex and mental illness?
Most of Reddit has experienced mental illness
What do you call a dog on a U-boat?
A subwoofer.
A horny lion and a horny mouse
agree to fuck each other. The lion informs the mouse "I'm the king of the jungle with a reputation to uphold, therefore must do this in hiding and I must go first. " The mouse replies "You're so large, you'll fuck me to death, let me go first then when I'm done you can have your turn". The lion reluctantly agrees. The mouse begins to fuck the lion and right after he busts his nut, he runs away. The lion notices what has happened and begins to chase the mouse. The mouse, hoping to take disguise, finds a seat at a table. He grabs a newspaper and begins to casually read it, hoping the lion passes him by. The lion urgently asks "Have you seen a little mouse run past here!?" The mouse replies "Do you mean the mouse that fucked you in the ass?" Horrified, the lion gasps: "Its in the newspaper already!?"
Wait if the sex of a baby is determined by the father’s sperm …
…does that make semen gender-fluid?
I’m giving up masturbating for an entire month.
Sorry, bad punctuation. I'm giving up. Masturbating for an entire month.
I met a woman who said she was a huge Monkees fan
She told me she had collected every piece of merchandise ever made for the band. I was skeptical. Then I saw her place…
No picture cause idk what I’m doing
Me: Has autoimmune diseaseMy immune system: Im gonna do what’s called a pro gamer move
I went to the library and asked the librarian if she knew where books on paranoia were.
She said "They're right behind you".
My wife loves complaining about how long she spends breast-pumping for our new son.
She’s really milking it for all it’s worth.
Once upon a time there lived a ravishing Queen with huge tits…
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try. One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this, and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.