Oh nOoOOOo!!
I tried juggling some candy bars but kept dropping them.
I have Butterfingers.
Diarrhea Awareness starts tomorrow.
Runs for 2 days.
Dad jokes at the grocery store
I was grocery shopping with my wife and she was picking up holiday hand soap. She asked me which ones I liked. I grabbed two different ones off the shelf and said "let me give you my two scents"
The only Americans who wave Nazi flags are the ones who helped Nazis meet Satan
https://ift.tt/2v1GRY2
What do you call a psychic dwarf who has escaped from prison?
a small medium at large
I like my women like I like my whiskey.
12 years old and mixed up with coke. Disclaimer: This is just a joke. I do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.
What does a panda use to make pancakes?
A pan…duh
A lady dies and goes to heaven and is standing in front of God…
" there is one thing I've always wanted to know" "Ok, ask away," God said. " Do vaccines cause autism?" she asked " The truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autism", admitted god. The women shakes her head and says " They got to you too, this thing really goes high up".
What did 2 tell 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code
Last night, for example, I couldn’t fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
Two years ago my doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven't heard from him since.
What’s the difference between a rimshot and a rimjob?
One goes ba dum tiss, the other is da bum kiss.
Why doesn’t the Lorax go to Vietnam?
Because the trees can speak for themselves
I lent a girl my umbrella yesterday
now the amount of girls I made wet this year is -1. 🙁
Helium walks into a bar
The bartender says, "Sorry but you're gonna have to leave; we don't serve noble gases here." Helium does not react
What Do You Call Slutty Potatoes?
Tater Thots
A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building…
He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
What do you do with 365 used condoms?
Melt them down, make a tyre and call it a good year.
Internet Memes and Mental Health – A Study [16+]
This is a study looking into the effect of internet memes on the individual. Participants will be asked to answer a series of questionnaires. This should take no longer than 30 minutes. Further information can be found in the information sheet. https://chester.onlinesurveys.ac.uk/memes4dalolz
Big Cheese walks into a mouse trap
It was oddly sharp
Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.
Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers. Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.
“I used to be a Christian”
The girl said. The boy chuckled "that's fine what made you Convert?" The girl turned and said "I feel more like a Christina than a Christian"
Why is dark spelled with a k and not a c?
You can’t see in the dark
I just watched a movie about graphs, and it was really disappointing.
The plot was predictable, and the special f(x) was terrible.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gag My wife told me this one to me. Not my joke
I quit my job at the helium gas factory
I refused to be spoken to in that tone of voice
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
After a couple of weeks of trying, my wife just told me that she was pregnant!
She has the worst stutter ever.