Oh now they wanna be pro choice
Two tampons are walking down the street, which one says hi first?
Neither because they’re both stuck up cunts
What do you call a liquified bread drink
Carbo-Hydrate
Monkeys
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."
How do you cut the ocean in half?… you use a sea saw
You use a sea saw!
Why do the people of Athens never wake up early?
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
I’m in a time traveling rock band
It's called AD/BC
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
If you drive a Tesla, but it gets stolen…
…does that make it an Edison?
A millennial buying a home
No text found
Where do you store dad jokes ?
In a dad-a-base
Jeff Bezos: “Alexa, send nudes to my secret admirer.”
Alexa: "Got it. Sending nudes to the National Enquirer."
Forgot to account for the extra day in the leap year causes entire Robin Hood to crash
https://ift.tt/2Tqvhha
Some people think the cost of wigs is too high
Personally, I think it’s a fair price toupee.
It’s getting chilly!
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands. The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose. The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!"
If God had low self esteem, would that make him an atheist?
Because he doesn’t believe in himself
What’s the best cheese to bait bear traps with
Cammom-bear! (sorry if ya heard this one already)
I saw Santa following me around in the mall, and I asked him why.
He said, “Christmas stalking.”
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
Kid: I’m going to be frank with you, bu- and if you say “Hi Frank, I’m Dad!” I’m gonna be super pissed!
Okay, gonnabesuperpissed.
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm it would be justwater
What do you call Muslim chili peppers?
Halalapenos
What’s the fastest liquid on Earth?
Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.
Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work…
And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!" But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning. Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgiving morning when she got up early to get things ready, she got an idea while preparing the turkey. Before Bob got up, she crept upstairs and placed the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself as she did so. A little later that morning, Bob woke up and went through his usual morning ritual with glee. Martha heard a scream as Bob jumped out of bed and ran into the bathroom. She laughed to herself, but when Bob didn't reappear from the bathroom for a long time she started to get concerned. So she ran upstairs and was just about to knock on the bathroom door, when Bob opened it and came out, pale as a ghost. He said, "You were right, honey, you were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."
TIL it is impossible to stick out your tongue while looking straight up
Without looking really dumb.
My daughter said she literally can’t even…
… so that’s odd.
The vagina has more than eight thousand nerve endings
But, it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.
What’s Forest Gump’s password?
1Forest1
I asked a librarian if she had a book about Turtles.
She said hardback? I said yeah with a little head.
A date site for witches is known for its members’ relationships moving too fast, and most of them ultimately break up.
Don't mount your Wiccans before they're matched.
If a girl is uncomfortable watching you masturbate, do you think:
A. She is a prude and you have no future together. B. You two should spend more time together so she can get used to that level of openness. C. She should have sat somewhere else on the train?
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
But apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.