Oh, sheet!
Why are there two “d”s in “Reddit”?
The second one’s a repost.
As a lumberjack i know i have cut down 2,718 trees.
Because every time I cut one down I keep a log.
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.
I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.
I’m going to name my first son Kelvin
Just so everybody knows he's an absolute unit.
My friend told me, “My girlfriend keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character, and it’s getting really annoying!”
“Are you mad at her?” I asked. He responded, “Geez! Don’t you start too!”
There once was a guy named Dave,
Who dug up a whore from a grave. She was moldy and sh1tty, And only had one titty But look at the money he saved!
I told my tailor that I would be choosing and putting on my own clothes for my upcoming wedding
He said "suit yourself."
What’s the difference between an old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
There’s a dodgy looking man standing by my car with slippers on.
He seems confused as to why my car would dress like that.
Biker joke
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control, and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman behind the wheel who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for… "I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that…" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this…" We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch, I guess."
What’s more amazing than a talking dog?
A spelling bee!
Last night my date asked, “So how come you haven’t already been snapped up?” I replied, “I’ve been married before, but it didn’t work out. She said I was far too inattentive.”
"Oh, that's so sad! Did you have any kids?" "Probably."
I couldn’t believe my friend when he said he sterile…
I said, "no kidding?!"
Why was six afraid of seven
Because seven was a well known six offender
I was fired from my last job because they searched my desk and found coke
But who wants to work at Pepsi Co anyways
What’s the difference between a guitar, a fish, and glue?
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish!
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, “By mistake?”
I shouted, “Oh come on! Not you too!”
How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed. 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently. 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs. 17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions. 6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb.' Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid. 22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks. 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp.' 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct. 49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn). 19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page. 11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here. 24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs. 44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you. 12 to post F. 8 to ask what F means. 36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs. 15 People to post "I can't see S$%!" and use their own light bulbs. 6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$" 4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?". 13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs." 1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments. 50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views. 5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously. 1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
Why does Batman wear Dark clothing?
Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin wear bright clothing? Batman doesn't want to get shot.
Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined.
I can’t deal with high maintenance women.
If I had a dollar for every time a girl found me not attractive.
They eventually would.
My wife suggested I get one of those penis enlargers
So I did. She’s 21 and her name is Amber
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree. It shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree”
The lumberjack smiled, “and you will dialogue”.
A classmate dressed up as a storm trooper for Halloween and shot up the school
Don’t worry, no one got hurt.
I used to bang a set of twins…
People always asked how I could tell them apart. I said it's easy, Mary always paints her nails purple and George has a cock.
I hired the most obese personal assistant I could find.
She’s a really big help.
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. “What are you doing?” she asked him. “I’m going to have a bake sale to buy a car,” he answered. “Where on earth did you get that idea? We’re in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!” He said…
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
4 Norse god, 1 Roman god, and 2 astronomical bodies walk into a bar
The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"
A navy recruit has his first day on the submarine
He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post. "Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope." The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by. "Son I'm changing your post to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes." The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again. "Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters." The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes. "Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!" The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."