Oh, sheet!
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band.
But I got bored and quit because it was just one ting after another.
Why can’t Swiss cheese be part of a fat-free diet?
It’s made with hole milk.
Accidentally gave my girlfriend a gluestick instead of chapstick.
She still isn't talking to me.
My girlfriend just left me because I’m too insecure.
No, wait, she's back – she was just making lunch.
What do you call the verses added to a song to make it longer?
Extension chords
You know what they say about a guy with big feet
They say "Sorry sir we don't have your shoe size"
A man is in the hospital wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth.
"Nurse" he mumbles. "Are my testicles black?" The nurse lifts up his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other…she takes a close look and says "There's nothing wrong with them, sir." The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thanks for that, it was lovely, but listen very carefully: Are my test results back?"
When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, “If you’re ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it.”
One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road. Then breaking through the flurries, I saw the headlights of a plow truck in my rearview mirror. Thanking my lucky stars, I turned in and followed the truck, hopeful that it would lead me back somewhere I recognized. I followed that truck for what felt like hours. He turned left, I'd turn left. He'd swing to the right, and I was right on his tail. After a while, I saw brake lights from the plow, followed by four-way flashers. The plow had stopped, and I saw the driver get out and approach my car. I rolled down the window to talk to him. "Why are you following me, kid?" the plow driver asked. "Well sir, my dad told me if I was ever lost in a snowstorm, I should wait for a plow truck and then follow it." "Well," said the plow driver. "I just finished clearing the Target parking lot. Want to follow me over to Best Buy??"
What is 6.9?
Another great thing ruined by a period.
Shout out to the guy that makes these sausages
In my heart, he'll always be a wiener
People always ask me how I sneak chocolate into the cinema.
Well… I’ve got a few twix up my sleeve.
I asked my mum, “How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapse
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist
I lost 150 pounds!
Unfortunately it was at a casino in England
I’m going to join the Navy purely out of spite
I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.
I was really embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set. So I quickly threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.
She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.” Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me. She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?” I got up and went straight to my car. My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said “I knew I could trust you.” Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?
They’re pair-a-medics
An engineer dies, and by some mistake he is sent to hell.
Satan was unsure of why the engineer was sent down there, but he might as well be of use. He commissioned the engineer to install AC, plumbing, various water features, and many other amenities that really started to turn hell into a pretty decent place. God, on the other hand, took notice of what was taking place and was furious. He demanded to speak with Satan. "Why do you have this man when he lived righteously and has a place in heaven?" God bellowed. "I don't know, but I'm keeping him," Satan snarkily replied. "You will hand him over now," God said ferociously, "or else I will sue you!" Satan smirked. "Where you gonna get a lawyer?"
As a child i was molested by mimes
They did unspeakable things to me.
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are seeing a marriage counselor… counselor ask’s Mickey, “let me get this straight – you want a divorce because you say Minnie is silly?”
To which Mickey responds “no, I said she was FUCKING GOOFY”
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long?
BECAUSE THEN IT WOULD BE A FOOT!
If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi series of all time is Dr. Who.
If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.
Wife asked me if it was just her, or if the cat was getting fat.
Apparently it is just you was not the correct response n
Where did covid 19 take his son?
The Plagueground
What do forklifts and girls have in common ?
If you don't have one, you'll have to unload by hand.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.