“Oh shit, my bad bruh”
Judge: I hereby find you guilty for all crimes you have been charged with. For sentencing I order you to spend life behind bars without possibility of parole
Criminal: That's a long sentence, I demand a shorter one. Judge: U did it. Go 2 jail forever.
Why are there no cases of COVID-19 in Antarctica?
Because they're ice-o-lated
Did you hear about the new pen that can write underwater?
It can write other words too.
So many people these days are too judgemental
I can tell just by looking at them
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting him for Christmas?
Because he felt his presents…
I’m having a bun filled with ham and pineapple for my lunch today because…
…that's Hawai'i roll…
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Diabetes. What?, did you really think I was gonna make a pie joke on my cake day? btw I waited 1 whole year to tell this joke
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked: “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
Husband: "No sweetie." Wife:"I'm sure you would." Husband: "Okay, I would" Wife: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" Husband: "Ya, I guess so." Wife: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" Husband: "No, she's left handed."
An aging farmer decided it was time for his youngest son to start pulling his weight around the farm.
His older, strong-armed and favoured son, Jedediah worked hard every day, getting up extra early every morning to milk the cow before dutifully doing the rest of his chores. The farmers delicious milk became very popular around the area with neighbours often walking miles in for a glass and some conversation. So, the farmer decided to buy another milk cow so he could start making some money. The farmer realised that by God, this was a good time to get his younger, bookish son, David to start helping on the farm and so tore his book off him one morning and sent him out to milk the new cow. He was somewhat unsurprised, but nonetheless disappointed when David came back shortly after with a full pail of inadequacy. The milk was thin and bland and lacked the rich flavour and creamy consistency of Jed’s milk. With no more than a grimace of disgust, the farmer tipped out the milk in front of his son and told him to do better tomorrow. After two weeks of this with no improvement in the milk David was bringing in, the farmer called his sons one morning and asked Jed, with a ruffle of his hair, if he would bring David out and show him how to milk a cow like a man. Jed reluctantly consented and went out with David, while the farmer sat and waited on the porch with a delicious glass of warm milk from the previous morning. Before long, David trudged back to the house and announced, “I think I know what’s wrong now, sir.” “Well what is it?” asked the farmer, through a creamy mouthful of milk, beaming with admiration over David’s shoulder at Jed who was still vigorously milking. David gestured behind him and said, “That’s a bull.”
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff…
Baa-dum-tssss
Jeff, a semicolon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.
They both have a great time.
My son just asked me, “Can we pick my friend up?”
Me: I dunno. How heavy is she? Son: In a car dad This happened only moments ago. You can't just softball 'em in like that, son.
What did the person who got hit by lightning twice say about it?
Since it was so rare to be hit even once, he (or she, since I don't want people to get offended) was quite shocked about it all.
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
He lost track of thyme…
Why do trees look a little suspicious on sunny days?
They seem a bit shady.
In the Harry Potter books, Sirius Black is in his early 30’s,
… but in the movies, he look like an Oldman.
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing
this is as close as I could get.
I asked my wife why she never tells me when she orgasms
She told me she doesn't want to bother me while I'm at work.
How do planets clean themselves?
They take a meteor shower! ☄️
The bouncer said to me, “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” I said, “Why?”
They said, “I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline.”
My friends all claim that I’m the cheapest person they ever met.
I’m not buying it.
My brother said, “What rhymes with Orange”
I told him no it doesn’t
A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog who was drowning…
After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off he vill be fine", I said "are you a vet?", He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking!"
I didn’t vaccinate my five kids
and both of them turned out fine.
What’s Irish and stays outside all year long?
Patty O'Furniture.
What is the difference between a unicorn and a carrot?
One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.
As soon as you find someone with 10,000 bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they’re a keeper.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
What are German Nazis and grammar nazis both guilty of?
Crimes against piece
An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
What did Sean Connery say when a book fell on his head?
"I only have my shelf to blame…"
I’ve been reading ‘Lord Of The Rings’ and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life…
Must be the same ring I put on when I got married…