Oh thanks I didn’t think it had anything to do with math
When is 40 bigger than 50?
XL is bigger than L
Keep an eye on the volleyball team at prom.
They might spike the punch.
I went on a date with a girl from an online dating website…
… I was worried she'd be fatter than she looked in her pictures. Turns out he wasn't.
I saw a bird with a really big beak holding a chessboard
I said toucan play that game.
I won a carnival goldfish once…
It had an irrational fear of ping pong balls.
I told my wife we could still have a threesome during this Coronavirus pandemic.
There would be six feet between us.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
A Sheep, Drum, and Snake fall off a cliff.
Ba Dum Tss
The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, “What’s happening now?”
"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!" "So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear. "Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
Pilot: *over intercom* we’re all gonna die!
Passengers: start freaking out Pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when! Passengers: sigh with relief Pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit this mountain!!
My mailman got a sex change.
I guess you'd call him a post man now.
A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.
During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it
It means my illegal logging business is a success
we’ll we’ll we’ll…
…if it isn’t autocorrect.
Have you ever heard of virtual bubble wrap?
pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet?
They checked the reviews……………. only one star.
I think my boss just made me his sexual advisor
He said, "When I want your fucking advice, I'll ask for it" Hopefully there is a pay rise involved.
A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride…
The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop disturbing the other passengers. Irritated by this, the stranger nudges the redneck in his dirty boots, cowboy hat, and plaid shirt and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger, and this cabin is full of a bunch of morons." JimBob, who had just tilted his hat over his eyes to get some sleep, tilted it back up slowly and said to the stranger, "Yeeahp i hear that, whatcha wana talk 'bout?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger who began to grin, because he was about to show this dumb redneck how much smarter he is "How about nuclear power?" "Yeeahp. I dont much care for it" said JimBob. "Ok" said the stranger "why dont you ask me a question, and if i can answer it you have to pay for my next drink, and if i cant then ill leave you alone to sleep" JimBob considers for a moment, then says "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass – The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" After considering for a minute, Stranger says "Jeez, I have no idea." "Well, then," said JimBob as he tilted his hat back down and leaned his seat back, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work. (I can’t imagine this isn’t a repost, so delete if need be)
About 1,375 olives are pressed in order to make 1 liter of olive oil, 8,435 sunflower seeds to make a liter of sunflower oil…
Don't even get me started on baby oil
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan
A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?" The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks. When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?" The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
I’ve asked my girlfriend to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the bar…
Well, she always said she wanted a night in shining armor!
FYI, If your boat turns upside down, you can wear it on your head.
– – – Because it's capsized
The zip code for Beverly Hills is 90210. This zip code for Dawson’s Creek is 90108…
For my liiifffeee to be oveeeerrrr!
[NSFW] I once knew a man who was born with no eyelids. They used his foreskin to make new ones.
You could say he was a bit cockeyed!
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.
I can't tell you how much this award means to me.
What is the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer?
The former is a ladder, while the latter is a former.
I asked my Scottish friend how many sexual partners he’s had.
He started counting but soon fell asleep.
My bald dad commented on my hair earlier.
He said I had hair like an emo. He wasn’t too happy when I said he had hair like a chemo.
Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard. "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat." Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. "I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He looked surprised and said, "Nein, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
Why don’t americans eat snails?
Because they like fast food.