Oh, the irony…
I saw my ex girlfriend across the museum hall, but I felt too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
Our mailman got a sex change
so we call him the postman now.
Sherlock Holmes walks into his house with a basket full of lemons.
Watson asks, "Where did you get so many lemons?" Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, Watson.."
My grandpa destroyed 12 German planes during WW2.
He was, without a doubt, the worst mechanic in the history of Luftwaffe
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore." I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe. As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
When President Trump said he would deliver more jobs than any other president…
I didn't realize he'd do it by constantly hiring replacement White House senior staff.
What did the painter do when it got cold…
He put on another coat
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest of the letters were not-E.
I’m sick of all these people saying cats are liquid.
They're obviously non-Mewtonian.
At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little
“Nervous.” Asked the interviewer. “No, I always give 110%”
The blowjob confession.
A Catholic man is waiting in a practically empty church to give confession when the priest jumps out of the booth and tells him he has to go to the bathroom and asks him if he can take over. There is a cheat sheet on Hail Marys and Our Fathers for each of the sins and all he has to do is read them off. The man agrees and takes a few confessions reading off the list when a woman comes in and says she has cheated on her husband and given a blowjob to another man. He searches the list and can’t find the penance for a blowjob. He pops out of the confessional and asks an alter boy “quick, what does the priest give for a blowjob?” The Alter boy says “2 candy bars and a coke.
I hate Russian dolls
They’re so full of themselves
What did the Nazi dentist say on reddit?
Thanks for the gold kind stranger! Edit:Thanks for the gold kind stranger!
I feel like a battery
because I am not included in anything 🙁
I have my grandma on speed-dial
Call it Instagram
What do you call a midget party?
…a little get-together.
Wife yells from kitchen: Babe, we’re almost out of trash bags…
I yelled back: Well why do you keep throwing them away? I got a very stern look.
Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he’s a stud..
But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.
Made this a month ago, someone should make a better version
Made this a month ago, someone should make a better version
During his presidency, there were some files that even Obama couldn’t touch.
The *For Biden* files.
Today is my 25 birthday. I’m quarantined but it’s still nice to hang with the boys
https://ift.tt/2ZuP1VJ
What do you call an atheist church?
A non-prophet organization! 😂😂
Two irishmen, lost at sea…
Two irishmen are floating on a boat, lost at sea. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and ran out of water just today, so naturally they're pretty desperate. Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle towards it. One of them pull out the lamp and rubs it, and lo and behold, a genie pops out! "Will ye grant us tree wishes mister?" the Irishman pleads. "I'd love ta, but this old genie's barely enough for just the one. So wish carefully." Quickly, one of the men calls out, "I wish the ocean'd turn ta Guinness!!" "Consider it done." The genie and the lamp disappear, and the entire ocean changes from water to beer. The second Irishman looks at the first, stunned, then finally manages, "Ya fockin' idiot! Now we have ta piss in the boat!"
If I was an injured cat,
Me: Ow.
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?” He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.” Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.” “No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. “Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.” “Batteries?” cried the wife. “Yes,” he replied. “Sally sells C cells by the Seashore.”
I am giving up drinking for a month
Sorry that came out wrong. I am giving up. Drinking for a month.
To be honest, this is the sub in a nutshell
https://imgur.com/a/7cAWQeD
I should apologize to my toilet…
I gave it a lot of shit this morning (Long time stalker, heres my first dad joke!)
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”
The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?” The robber says, “Don’t change the subject!"
I’ve just been banned from r/childfree.
Apparently it's not the best place to list your kids when you're trying to give them away.
A man walks in to a bar and says “I’ll have a rum and coke.”
The bartender says "is pepsi okay?" and the man agrees. The bartender comes back with a drink and says "here's your pepsi and coke, that'll be $11.50"