Oh the irony…
Why don’t people talk much in Finland?
Because it’s hard to Finnish a sentence
Judge: I hereby find you guilty for all crimes you have been charged with. For sentencing I order you to spend life behind bars without possibility of parole
Criminal: That's a long sentence, I demand a shorter one. Judge: U did it. Go 2 jail forever.
Why is Princess Zelda the most fashionable person in Hyrule?
Because she's really Sheik.
A guy and his friend are sitting on a sofa having a few beers. Guy #1 – “What would you do if we found out an asteroid was going to hit the earth in one hour?”
Guy #2 – “I would fuck the first thing that moved. What would you do?” Guy #1 – “I’d sit very fucking still for the next hour!”
What do forklifts and girls have in common ?
If you don't have one, you'll have to unload by hand.
A gang of cutlery users have turned every silent K in the world into an audible K.
Those kniving bastards.
I once walked in on my teachers having sex
Being homeschooled was never easy for me
A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree
When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!” The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”
What do clouds wear under their shorts?
Thunderpants!
All countries eventually got coronavirus
But China got it right off the bat.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video…
He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.
What’s the difference between a bad cop and a good cop?
A good cop wears a goodge.
He had a small orange spot on the tippy tip of his chin
that is, until he… scrubbed it!!!
What happens when an atheist prays?..
The same thing that happens when a Christian does.
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
A man enters a pun contest
He sent in ten puns, hoping at least one would win, but sadly, no pun in ten did.
What did the grape say when it got crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
I too, was once a male trapped in a female’s body….
But then I was born.
I was captured by ISIS after Iran away
Now all I’m China do is to survive
The American school system is very disorganised and poorly run
I guess school really does prepare you for the real world
I love telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
I lost my voice today.
I can't tell you how annoying it is.
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank his tea before it was cool 😎
John Travolta was hospitalized earlier today for suspected COVID-19.
Doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever and they assure everyone that he is Staying Alive.
If I won 298 million, I’d give a quarter of it to charity.
…I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.
I lost my watch at a party once.
An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.
Why do you need a painting? (Joke my 7-year-old made up)
So you care about the wall
I got fired just because I wore a mini skirt!
Appearently my boss doesn't want to see my dick.
What do you call an acid with attitude?
A meano-acid!