Oh the irony…
Why do scuba divers fall off the boat backwards?
If they fell off forwards, they’d just land in the boat.
My family and I walked into the lobby and as we were checking in, I whispered to the desk clerk, “I hope the porn is disabled.”
The guy looked at me in shock and sputtered, "It's just regular porn, you sick perv!"
The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women
Wife: I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hi pregnant, I'm dad. Wife: No you're not.
Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton are in a boat, and the boat sinks. Who is saved?
The United States of America.
I learned the name of Baby Yoda’s mother…
It's "Yomama"
A girl promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.
He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again. Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”
I showed my damaged luggage to a lawyer, and said, “I want to sue the airline!”
The lawyer said, “You don’t have much of a case.”
A man came home to discover that someone had stolen all his lamps.
He was delighted.
I was wondering why music was coming from my printer?
Apparently the paper was jamming.
Hey bro, can you hand me that pamphlet?
Brochure.
God the engineer
Three engineers are having lunch and discussing what kind of engineer God is. The mechanical engineer says, "God must be a mechanical engineer, look at the complex network of levers that make the body move" The electrical engineer says, "No, look at the electrical processes of the body, which the brain could not operate without, he must be an electrical engineer." The civil engineer says, "You're both wrong, he must be a civil engineer. Who else would run a waste line through a recreational area?"
Student: Are well and actually both one syllable words
Teacher: Well yes , but actually no
I told my dad I just met someone with one eye named john.
My dad…what was his other eye called?
How does a Flat Earther travel the world?
On a plane!
Otherwise
No text found
My wife asked me, “Do you think our kids are spoiled?”
I said, “No. Most of them smell that way.”
How did Thomas Edison invent the lightbulb?
He had a bright idea
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it
Three teenagers are walking along the side of a canal…
They notice some men in suits moving frantically around a drowning man. The three teenagers jump in and save the drowning person only to realize that it’s President Trump. Once everyone has recovered, the President thanks them for saving him. He offers each teenager one wish within his powers. The first teenager says that his father was wrongfully convicted and now sits on death row. Everyone knows it, but all of his appeals have been used up. His one wish is to have his father pardoned. Trump asks the kid for the name of his father and the pardon will be put through. The second teenager wants nothing more than to attend a military academy, like many other members of his family, but his grades aren’t good enough. Trump has the teenager give his information to one of the Secret Service agents and he’ll get into the academy of his choice. The third teenager asks to be buried at Arlington National Cemetery. Trump points out that this is a very unusual request. One of his friends is trying to save his father and the other wants to serve his country. Why is he asking for something so morbid? The teenager replies, “When my parents find out I saved you, they’re going to kill me.”
Among all the politically incorrect jokes I know, here’s my favourite:
Benjamin Franklin was the greatest US President.
I ran into a girl at a vegan restaurant who said she knew me
But I never met herbivore
Sometimes I go around to random windows computers and delete the default browser
Just to take the edge off
I got my dad a refrigerator for Christmas
I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it!
What’s the opposite of urine?
I'm out
i’m so sorry
Q: what did the scientist say when they found 2 isotopes of helium? A: HeHe
I looked longingly into my beloved’s eyes and whispered “A…E…I…O…U…and sometimes, Y.”
The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair… Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump." The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money.
Someone once told me I had a nice-ass shirt.
I told them that they can just call it pants.
My computer said my password is insecure.
Well maybe if it wasn't forced to have such strict requirements it would be more confident.
Tell the Punchline first.
How do you ruin a joke?
My brother and I are on a tight deadline to make a bunch of Dracula action figures.
I have to make every second Count.
My kids treat me like God.
They ignore my existence and only talk to me when they need something.
Parents are supposed to wrap empty boxes to put under the tree. Then when the children are naughty, throw one in the fire.
But what if they run out of children?
