Oh the wells have turned table
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron!”
She is watching our wedding video again.
People think that being a taxi driver with dyslexia is difficult.
It's as easy as C, A, B.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
Wife: I have to tell you something, I’m pregnant
Husband: Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad Wife: No you’re not.
During the quarantine, my 4 year old has been learning Spanish. Yet, he still can’t say please.
Which I think is poor for four.
Stan lee
Its sad he died but at least he lived a marvelous life
Today my doctor told me I was colorblind.
The results came completely out of the purple…
What a stark contrast between a functional Government and the Trump administration
https://ift.tt/3bfP76d
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
I’ll tell ya later
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video.
He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza delivery guy.
I’m reading a book titled “The Stockholm Syndrome.”
I hated it at first, but now I love it.
Thank you
This isn't a dad joke. This is a thank you to everyone on this subreddit. 6 weeks ago the love of my life broke things off with me due to factors attributed to my mental health (which i didn't tell her about because she is struggling with uni and i didn't want her to worry) and I've been having an extremely difficult time coming to terms with it. She's falling for another guy while I've been self destructing to the point where she never wants to talk to me again. But i found this subreddit today, the jokes are so stupid and funny that for the first time since before the breakup, I've laughed and it was genuine. Thank you so much for your stupid jokes. You've saved my life as far as I'm concerned. I still have a long way to to, but this subreddit is definitely going to get me through it. Thank you 💖
My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said “This isn’t working”
Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.
Paddy’s night in Dublin
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick’s Day. At one point, Mick the bartender says, ‘You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, ‘OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. ‘Damn,’ he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face again. ‘Damn, damn!’ He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he’ll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face. ‘By Jeebers… I’m a little crocked,’ he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says, ‘No damn’ way’. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says ‘I can make it to the bed!’ He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says ‘Damn it!’ and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, ‘Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?’ Paddy says, ‘No Jess, what makes you say that?’ ‘Mick phoned… you left your wheelchair at the pub
You don’t want me to close your wound for you?
Fine, suture self.
A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code
He refused to comment
A farmer’s wife is making breakfast for her husband…
As she's serving his breakfast, he grabs her breast and tells her "if these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows". Visibly upset, she continues cooking. A moment later he grabs his wife's crotch and tells her "if this could lay eggs, we could get rid of the chickens". As the wife sits down to eat, she grabs the farmer's crotch and tells him "if this could get hard, we could get rid of your brother".
Is an entire TV show a valid “boomer humor” submission? Because this show is awful.
https://ift.tt/2XamZh8
Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship. The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?”
The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
Where do you find a no-legged dog?
Right where you left him.
My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed
In my defense it was doggy style so it's more like 14 minutes.
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet because it’s a sobering reminder of why…
…there's never any money in there.
Girlfriend asks me ” Soooo, what sounds good to you?”
Me: A blowjob Gf: Me: Gf: Waitress: I'll give you two a couple more minutes.
I heard my son say his first words to me today…
Where have you been for the last 20 years?
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it
How is a trans 4-year old like a vegan cat?
We all know who’s making that decision
The nurse kept insisting my blood was Type-A
I said "NO! IT MUST BE A TYPE-O"
What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?
"You crossed the wrong guy."
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England…
… guess you could say he sleighed it
A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.
“I had sex with another woman last night,” he tells her. “But I was thinking of you the whole time.” “You miss me that much?” she asks. “No,” he says. “But it kept me from cumming too fast.