Oh well
Did you hear the one about the corduroy pillow?
It's been making headlines
What do you call 52 pieces of bread?
A deck of carbs.
During my boxing career, I was the 2nd best boxer in my country.
I fought in over 100 fights, and came 2nd every single time.
Christen Joke
Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?" Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, mother Superior." Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?" Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants." Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?" Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he with his pants down."
The Police
Police:Where do you live? Percy: With my mum Police:Where does your mum live? Percy: With me Police: Where do you both live? Percy: Together Police: Where is your house? Percy: Next to my neighbor's Police: Where is your neighbor's house? Percy: If I told you, you wouldn't believe me Police: Tell me Percy: Next to my house
I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives.
I’m about to start a religious movement.
Tried to grab the fog this morning
unfortunately, I mist.
My wife was in jail, so I decided to go in for a conjugal visit.
The kids will never play Monopoly with us again.
My wife and I got in a big argument over how she wanted to give birth.
It was our first midwife crisis.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods
But its harder to deter gents
Whenever a homeless person asks me for money, I admit my first thought is always, “This money’s just going to get spent on booze or drugs.”
That's why I always give it to the homeless person instead.
I switched out my bed for a trampoline
Let me tell you that my wife hit the roof when she found out.
Why did the Mexican guy take xanax?
For Hispanic attacks.
I didn’t understand why some people are into incest porn
then I remembered that taste is relative.
I just found out I’m colorblind…
It came completely out of the purple…
Only Anti-Vaxxers will get this
Measels
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I’m so unfamiliar with the gym these days…
I call it James.
I bought myself a gun a few years back after an attempted robbery
Since then, I have been a lot more successful in my attempts
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
I don’t understand Joaquin Phoenix
If Phoenixes can fly why is he Joaquin?
I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.
I hate crowds, and just walked into a room full of married people.
Thankfully, there wasn’t a single person in there.
A list of puns
Here's a list of puns I've been collecting: How do you throw a space party? You planet. How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars. Nope. Unintended. The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower. A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans." A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything." Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now. What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene. The broom swept the nation away. I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words. What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds. What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium. I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize. Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor. Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?” Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france? There was nothing but des brie. Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy. What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous. Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks. A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils. After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it. I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it. To write with a broken pencil is pointless. I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down. I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me. What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison. What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees. How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it. The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery. What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter. What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran. Sausage puns are the wurst. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear. How did Darth Vader know what luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence. Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything. What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part. What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials. Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta. What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales. Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban. Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah. Why did the man dig a hole in his neighbor’s backyard and fill it with water? Because he meant well. What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen. What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks. What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing. What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru. What do you call a spanish pig? Porque. What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline. Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak. A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head. How do trees access the internet? They log on. Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
Apple really is the most futuristic company out there
They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!
Did you hear the meh French woodworking tourism slogan?
Come see, come saw
Why did the big bird feel left out?
Because he was ostrich sized
I never really like to follow the crowd.
Which is why I'm useless at protests.
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could have done for him.
What happened to the barber after he got caught on fire?
He got side burns.
I know that we all have different views and argue a lot on reddit, but here’s something we have in common.
People who are reading this are on the same page.
9/11 jokes aren’t funny
The other 2/11 are quite good though!
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it leaves you and never comes back.