Oh well
Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.
Global chaos ensues. The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
If you hold your pee
urine trouble
What’s blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint
Why are curious people so good at singing?
Because they inquire.
Is sex a joke?
If it is, I don't get it
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper;
but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint. Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
My wife always said that she wanted the body of an 18 year old…
… but she got really upset at me when I actually brought her one.
My friends asked me why I’ve mysteriously been hanging grapes outside to dry.
I told them, “I have my raisins.”
What rhymes with orange?
No it doesn't
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
I was about to tell a joke about unemployment
but it needs some work
A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary…
… and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'
People in I’m r/im14andthisisdeep said that this comic would fit in this subreddit
https://ift.tt/2QFLn5b
A blind man walks into a bar
And a chair. And a table.
The secret service doesn’t yell “Get down!” anymore when the President is about to be attacked.
They now yell “Donald, Duck!”
A couple fingers, Vaseline, and the grace of God
Not an original joke but hilarious nonetheless. Presented for your enjoyment. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
What do you call a red neck who works for ISIS?
Y’all Qaeda.
I’m a man that knows my boundaries.
5 feet by 9 feet , unless the guards let me have a walk around.
I tried to donate blood today… NEVER AGAIN!
So many questions, Who's blood is that? How did you get it? Was the bucket even sanitized before you filled it with blood.
Did you hear about the guy who’s been pick-pocketing midgets?
I can't believe someone would stoop so low!
What’s the difference between the clitoris and a can of Bud Light?
The clitoris only tastes like piss for the first few seconds.
Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.
I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.
Did you hear..
About the snake that fell down on a drum? Ba-dum tsss
What’s Gordon Ramsay’s favorite subreddit?
It's fucking r/aww
Two good friends go golfing
Two good friends go golfing and they come up on two women who are moving like molasses. One guy says that he'll go up and ask if they can play through. When he's half way to the women, he freezes, turns around and comes back pretty pale. "Sorry man, I can't do it! One's my wife and the other my mistress!" The other guy says he'll ask instead. Halfway to the women he suddenly stops turns around and comes back shaking his head. "Small world bro!"
My Aunt who spends hours on Candy Crush on her Kindle thought this was hilarious.
https://ift.tt/2HaGbSP
Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.
The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
