oh wow
2 cowboys in a field
One turns to the other and says “you take all those cows over there and round them up into one big group” The other says “what?” The first cowboy says “you herd”
Singing in the shower is great until you get shampoo in your mouth
Then it's a soap opera
I hate Russian dolls
They’re so full of themselves
I asked the Deacon’s wife, “would you have sex with me for one million dollars? “
Hmmm . . .a million dollars is a lot of money. I could do a lot of good with that. Would it just be the one time? Yeah I guess I would for a million dollars. How about $20? $20? Are you serious? What kind of woman do you think I am? We’ve already established what kind of woman you are. Now we’re just negotiating the price.
I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat cunt sitting there holding his cock.
Then I realised the telly wasn't on.
I don’t mean to make sweeping generalizations…
…but all brooms are pretty much the same.
Some scientists were able to recreate human vocal cords in a petri dish…
The results pretty much speak for themselves…
Whenever someone asks me if I know how to use a(n) [INSERT MICROSOFT OFFICE PRODUCT]…
… I tell them, "Why yes, I Excel at it" and when they say, "Well, can you help me do this?" Me: "Word."
What was Frosty doing in the Vegetable Aisle?
Picking his nose!
You can’t run through a campground
You can only ran, because it’s past tents
I wrote yea on one hand and nay on the other.
When I agree, I hold up the yea. I use the nay palm when I want to set things on fire.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
People say I’m a plagiarist…
Their words, not mine.
What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
An Irrelephant.
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don’t they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.
I think my parents are the funniest people in the world
They made a joke 19 years ago, and people are still laughing at it.
Why did Adolf Hitler yell at the waiter ?
He hated the juice.
You know, I was looking at our ceiling the other day. It’s not the best…
But it’s up there.
Why can’t Superman ever drive to the top level of the parking garage?
Because he always stays in the Lois Lane Kill me pls
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a Detective. I think we should split up.
Me: Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.
We really need to stop using this assholes name as being better than something
https://ift.tt/31878Od
Do you know what the generic name for Viagra is?
Mycoxafloppin
What’s Ironman without his suit?
Stark Naked
Xbox was struggling…
but they really turned it around with the 360.
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop…
to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?’ The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’ The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’ ‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.. ‘ The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’ The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’ The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.
Two balloons in the desert.
One says: "look out for that cactus!" The other replies: "what cactusssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss?"
What did the farmer do when he lost his wife?
He tractored down.
What concert costs just 45 cents?
50 cent featuring Nickelback
Whats red and smells like yellow paint
Red paint
What if I lifted a pack of Coca-Cola over my head for twenty minutes a day every day?
That would be soda pressing.
Double Negative !
A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.” “However,” he pointed out, “there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah. Right.”
..ever since an attempted mugging last year i have carried a knife.
Since then my muggings have been way more successful.
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
I guess I wasn’t putting in enough shifts
A teenager tells his father, “There’s water in my car’s carburetor.”
The father looks confused and says, “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.” But the son insists, “I’m telling you, there’s water in the carburetor.” His father is starting to get a little nervous. “You don’t even know what a carburetor is” he says, “I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?” “In the pool.”