Oh!! Wow Science is…..
What did the thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Synonym buns
It feels weird masturbating to dead pornstars
The weirdest part is having to rebury them
My wife and I are finally going to visit San Francisco to see the Golden Gate in person.
Her: What are you going to do when we see it? Me: We’ll cross that bridge when we get there.
Wanna know my favorite leg day exercise?
Skipping.
Fun fact you can’t breath while smiling.
Just kidding I just wanted to make you smile 🙂
The past, present and future walk into a bar…
It was tense.
Her: Do you think our kids are spoiled?
Me: No. I think most of them smell that way.
Remember to poop before midnight tonight
You don’t want to be carrying the same shit into the new decade
Here’s some advice for all men
If you get a boner in public, point up at the sky and shout "OH FUCK LOOK OVER THERE!" It's all about the missed erection
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm it would be justwater
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
But none of them seem to work
My dog accidentally swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles today..
His next poop could spell disaster.
Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.
kids dumb, technology bad ~ trans: there aren’t any icons to click! it’s a blackboard!
https://ift.tt/3eY0TEP
Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password.
It’s not stroganoff.
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
While on vacation in Spain with my wife..
I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed. It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart attack. I thought for sure I would die because the nearest hospital was 1/2 hour away. Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators. She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off my shirt and restarted my heart right there in the hotel. The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved. I spent the night in the hospital but I got out around noon the next day. I went back to the hotel to thank this woman. I said, “I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself!” She replied, “No one expects the Spanish Inn physician.”
Don’t buy anything with Velcro on it.
It’s a total rip-off!
My friend asked me, “Is sex weird after one gets a vasectomy?”
I said, “I don’t notice a vas deferens.”
A man walked into a bar
And stayed there my entire childhood
How are women like swimming pools?
They cost a great deal of money to maintain considering the time you spend inside.
Hillary Clinton says ‘many, many, many people’ are urging her to run for president in 2020.
And most of them are Republicans.
When I get naked in the bathroom
the shower gets turned on.
Doctor! Doctor! My husband just got admitted to this hospital with involuntary butt spasms, where is he?
ICU baby, shakin' that ass!
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife…
Happy Mother's Day!
Went to donate blood today…awful experience, never again….
Question after question…"who's blood is it?"….."where did you get it?"….."why is it in a bucket?
Babies shouldn’t be delivered.
Livers are important.
What did the President say when his prepared remarks got blown away by the wind?
Nothing, he was speechless.
My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
What do you call a snake that cleans windows?
A vindow viper
How do you cut the ocean in half?… you use a sea saw
You use a sea saw!
I think Saturn’s name is the best in our solar system
It has a nice ring to it
Why do Hipsters keep drowning while iceskating?
Because they did it before it was cool
My parents disapprove of my new job
I was hired as a security guard for the fruit importer, keeping watch on a shipment of oranges, but my parents said I claimed just Naval gazing!
If social distancing makes you feel lonely…
… just buy some stocks. Then you'll have a bit of company.
Why did the plane get sent to his room?
For a bad altitude
Two men were washed ashore during World War I.
Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates. To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their location in about two weeks. The older soldier shook his head, saying he'd rather take his chances swimming out to the wrecked ship to try and repair it. "You'd really rather play with that old mine craft all day?" the young soldier scoffed. The older man shrugged. "It's better than a fortnight."
