Oh yea big brain reddit moment 100 wholesome pewdiepie
A guy named Danny walks into a bar…
A guy named Danny walks into a bar, tells the bartender to get him four shots of the highest proof he has, and says, “I need to forget.” A pretty girl next to him gets curious and asks, “What do you need to forget?” And Danny replies with, “I’ll tell you but you won’t like it.” “I’ve been with many men who’ve told me terrible things, try me.” So Danny tells her and she slaps him across the face so hard his cheek turns beet red. The bartender saw the whole thing and asks Danny what happened, and Danny said, “I told her what I needed to forget.” Naturally, the bartender asks what it is he needs to forget. “I’ll tell you, but, trust me, you’ll get pissed.” “Boy, I’ve been bartending for 25 years, heard about regrets, death, war stories, ain’t nothin gonna faze me.” So Danny tells the bartender, and the bartender flips his shit and screams at Danny to get outta the bar. Outside, Danny hails a cab to get home. Once inside, the Cabbie says, “Jeez you look terrible, what happened?” “I told people what I’m trying to forget.” “Well, what’d you tell em?” “You’ll get mad if I tell ya.” “Sir, if I’m honest, I was a veteran, I’ve had my own brothers die in my arms, tell me what you have.” “Alright but you gotta take me home first so you don’t throw me out of the cab.” Intrigued, the cabbie takes Danny home first. The Cabbie pulled up to Danny’s home, turns around, and says “Alright, spill the beans, I’m dyin to hear this.” “Fine, fine, but I gotta ask you something first: When’s the last time you lost The Game?”
So there’s a new hotel that’s just opened up called 12:59:59pm.
I heard their service is second to one.
How do they make scissors at the factory?
With cutting edge technology.
I tell dad jokes but I have no kids. I’m a faux pa!
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Did you know that camels can last longer without water than sex?
They can go three weeks without water, but can't go a day without a hump.
Saw the damnedest thing at the airport. A vulture was trying to board the plane with a dead, rotting animal hanging out of its mouth. Gate agent tried to stop him…
…and the vulture said, "I'm clearly permitted one piece of carrion luggage."
I was tortured by mimes
They did unspeakable things to me
If I’m being subjective, the greatest sci-fi series of all time is Dr. Who.
If I’m being objective, it’s Dr. Whom.
During a war, Communists are Russian
The Japanese are just loli-gagging.
My grandma isn’t a fan of her new stairlift.
She says it drives her up the wall.
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in company?
Because it is two gross.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband
A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
It’s inappropriate to make a ‘dad joke’ if you’re not a dad.
It's a faux pa.
There’s no way video games cause violence.
If they did, school shootings would involve a LOT more tea bagging.
What vegetable has a hard time breathing? Artichokes!
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Today I learned: The writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
Apparently, I’m in the secret service.
Been so many years and nobody told me.
I thought my dad spent all his savings on an expensive wig.
But one look and I realised it was a small price toupee.
This joke only makes sense if you follow rugby:
A Scotsman walked into a bar. There'd normally be an Englishman, Irishman, and a Welshman as well, but they're still in Japan for the Rugby World Cup.
Justice is best served cold…
Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater!
What do you call it when a snowman loses his temper?
A meltdown. (Told to me by a grandpa earlier today.)
What do you call a blonde who dyed herself brunette?
Artificial Intelligence
What do you call a prearranged rap battle?
A diss appointment.
A third-grade class is on a field trip to the museum when they come across a mummy exhibit. The display has a sign in front saying, “2982 BC.”
One of the kids asks his friend, “What do you suppose that means?” His friend thinks for a few seconds, then concludes, “It must be the license plate number of the car that hit him.”
Why can you never trust trees?
Because they seem shady.
Do you wanna know why people with shell fish allergies can’t be body builders?
Because they can’t have mussels.
How does a computer science major pick up girls?
Oh shit thought this was google
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader.
I found someone else’s ID on the floor last week.
Oh well, new year, new me!
What do you call a horse who doesn’t listen to its’ rider?
A neigh-sayer. 😛
“Waiter! Waiter! There’s a dead fly in my soup!”
"Yes sir, the heat tends to kill them."
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that’s the last thing I need.
This joke has me dead.