Oh yeah makes sense
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow…
What do a hot potato and a thrown pig have in common?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.
One day a woman had 100 children…
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the door knocker?
He got a Nobel prize.
It’s high noon
Stay safe guys dont want a reaction happening
I got drunk and to impress a girl, I swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
A Christian, a Jew, a Muslim, and an Atheist walk into a bar.
And everything is fine because they aren't assholes.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It’s impossible to put down!
Posted in the local facebook group to thunderous applause
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Don’t know, don’t care.
Phone bad mom alone
No One Will Ever Know
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it
We had some drinks, cool guy, says he wants to be a web-developer
Gorilla removal service.
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one. "Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast
I write songs about sewing machines…
I’m a Singer songwriter.
Why was the cheese deformed?
Because it was inbred.
We know our jobs!
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed a potion to the man, and with a grip on his shoulder warned him. "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." Greatly encouraged, the man turned and started to walk away, then stopped and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The herbalist replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." Eager to see if it worked the man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.
xkcd – Academia vs. business
i dont use discord
Don’t be lazy! Be born rich, like me!
Glad to see her go but this was good.
Wish he were this mad about Flint’s water
Three sisters get married, each to another man
The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them. She decides to take each of them on a walk separately. The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your mother in-law, Sarah She then tests the second guy and again, "accidentally" falls into the same pond. He doesn't hesitate either, and jumps in to save her. The next day, he too gets a notification on his phone that he received 500 dollars, also with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your mother in-law, Sarah She then tests the third guy and again "accidentally" falls into the pond. The guy looks around if anyone can see, decides that no one is watching, and walks away. The next day, he gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars aswell with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your father in-law, James"
A Chinese guy and an Englishman walk into a bar.
Over the next hour, the Englishman drinks a lot of alcohol and goes out of control. He begins to scream cuss words and annoy everyone in the bar. Just as the bartender is planning to throw him out, the Chinese guy says, "Hi, sorry for bad English"
Two men, Jim and John, are walking their dogs when they pass by a restaurant.
“Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggests. “We can’t,” responds John. “Don’t you see the sign says No Pets Allowed?” “Oh, that sign?” says Jim. “Don’t worry about it.” Taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walks up to the door. As he tries walking into the restaurant, the host says, “Sorry, no pets allowed.” “Can’t you see?” says Jim. “I am blind. This is my Seeing Eye dog.” “But it’s a Doberman pinscher. Who uses a Doberman pinscher as a Seeing Eye dog?” the host asks. “Oh,” Jim responds, “you must not have heard. This is the latest type of Seeing Eye dog. They do a very good job.” Seeing that it worked, John tries walking in with his Chihuahua. Even before he can open his mouth, the host says, “Don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of Seeing Eye dog.” John responds angrily, “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”
How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?
Tell him Obama put it in
Movement type of Drip
I just want to give a shout out to sidewalks
For keeping me off the streets
Man: I would like to return a defective boomerang.
Shop owner: Sure. Where is it? Man: I have no idea.
Killing a child
Meme inspired by u/blamemombo. You can go check his one out
“He’ll run this country like his businesses!!”
How did the vegan start eating meat?
This girl must be a programmer!!!
A blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes going around and decided to dye her hair brown.
She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. "Hey, shepherd! If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?" The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. Out of the blue, she blurts out "352!" He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She picks out the cutest one. He looks at her and says "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?"
Hope they warmed up before those mental gymnastics.
What’s Batman’s favourite fruit?
Only some people will get it (sorry for bad quality)
After getting sick of my dad jokes, my wife locked me out of the house.
I texted her, “Oh pun the door!”
My girlfriend when I ignore her to write code
Ultimate Karen: Nebraska Woman Sues All Gay People—Yes All, of Them
Some french fries are straight, others are curled,
Back in the day, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Now, everyone owns a car and the rich have horses…
My, how the stables have turned!!
A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,
a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens……. "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis."
I tried to impress a bunch of people at a party by playing my guitar, but nobody took any notice.
They just frowned and moved to another part of the silent disco.
My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion
I said "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"
I feel the pain
The real heroes of computing
Women are actually turning into good drivers
So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning
*laughs in spyware*
Christmas Group Therapy
Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away
RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74
Purity is important
Posted by a 45-year old uncle about “his” generation.
Halloween is upon us!
Did they send me fathers?
When I asked for nuns?
Et al feels
The Truth Will Set You Free.
One for Donnie and one for his friend
A guy walks into a bar
and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day." "Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay." The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!" On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
My spirit animal is a half way reheated meatball
Apparently girraffes only sleep 3 hours a day.
They must neckered.
The husband leans over and asks his wife
"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Had to fight a lotta guys for her.
I like telling dad jokes
He laughs at them sometimes
The other day I gave up my seat to an older blind lady
And that’s how I lost my job as a bus driver
I just saw a Buddhist order a hot dog.
He said, "Make me one with everything. "