Oh you’re entering my wound?
Mona Lisa was framed.
Then they hung her.
Y’all hear that “The Kool-Aide Man” started a baseball team?
He's the pitcher.
I had a racing snail, I thought it would be faster if I removed it’s shell…
It only made it more sluggish.
Don’t spell part backwards
It's a trap
I once dated a girl with a lazy eye
Turned out she was seeing someone else on the side.
Why did the Mexican keep a wheel of cheddar in his truck?
In Queso emergencies
A girl reached into my pants today and said
I know there is a joke here but I can't find it.
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off
When taking a calculus exam, make sure you don’t sit between identical twins.
Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.
I rarely tell dad jokes
But the times when I do, he laughs
None of my neighbours seems to know their router comes with modifyable settings.
https://ift.tt/2x9Gj3k
Where does a fish keep his money?
In the riverbank
Police officer: “I’m here to inform you that your son burned down the school”
Parents: "arson?" Police officer: "yes, your son"
What haunts a chicken coop?
Poultrygeist
Cockroaches are found to be capable in surviving a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly
This shows how toxic the media is
Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.
There's a lot to do in Chicago.
I met this girl at the vegan restaurant who said she knew me.
But I never met herbivore.
Losing a rifle in the army can get you a fine over over £500
I am starting to finally understand why navy captains go down with the ship
I have sex daily
I mean I have daily sex I mean I have dyslexia
My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”
“Oh is she an alcoholic?” – “No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”
I got so drunk last night
I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest…
Why do detectives have such bad posture?
Because they always have a hunch.
What’s it mean when you have a song stuck in your head?
You have a one-track mind.
I taught my kid speed reading and I’m proud to say that he managed to finish “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone” in an hour and a half.
I know it’s only six words, but it’s a start.
Why did Adolf Hitler yell at the waiter ?
He hated the juice.
A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
"Don't worry," said the doctor. "Those are just contractions."
Sometimes I go out and commit crimes
Just to feel wanted
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks. After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class. I've recently started going to the pub and drink pints of Carling and every Friday I have fish&chips. My favourite football team is Manchester United. Beat that!" The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking paki cunt."
My friend received some land to build on…
He said, "Thanks, a lot".
A priest hooks a huge fish
A priest hooks a huge fish Helping him reel it in, a sailor says “Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!”. “Hey, mind your language!” says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, “Sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called, it’s a Fucker fish”. Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. “Look at this huge fucker” says the priest, spotting the bishop. “Language, please! this is God’s house,” replies the bishop. “No, no that’s what this fish is called, “says the priest. “Oh,” says the bishop, scratching his chin “I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner”. So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. “Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?” he asks her. “My, what language!” she exclaims, clearly shocked. “No, sister that’s what the fish is called – a fucker”, says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, “Wonderful, I’ll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!” The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. “Well, I caught the fucker!” says the priest. “And I cleaned the fucker!” says the bishop. “And I cooked the fucker!” says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:“ You know what?, You cunts are alright.”
What’s a decent Asian stereo type?
Sony and Yamaha are my favorite.
What did the cold and angry man have for dinner?
A BrrrrGrrrrr
I’m scared of π
It's an irrational fear
The cops just stopped by and said I was in trouble because my dog was chasing someone on a bike
My dog doesn’t even OWN a bike.
I’m so happy I don’t drive
Especially with all this car owner virus going around
I saw a radio for sale today for $1. Sign said its stuck on full volume.
I thought to myself "well I can't turn that down!"
Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2015 we ate over 74 million bananas and only 6 monkeys.
My doctor told me I had Type-A blood…
sadly it was a Type-O