Standing on office chairs.
No text found
I called the doctor, “My Wife is going into labor! What should I do?”
“Is this her first child?” He asks. “No this is her Husband.”
My grandma told me this one
An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear and answered. When he finished, he explained that he has a microchip installed in the palm of my hand. The Irishman, feeling very low tech, came up with a brilliant idea as to not be outdone. He left the sauna to go the bathroom, and came back with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse. The two men raise their eyebrows at him, and he says: “Will you look at that! I’m getting a fax.”
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing.
Why did it take Russia so long to invade Germany?
They were Stalin.
If you think 2020 puns are bad this year, just wait until next year.
Hindsight will be 2020.
Our bedtime conversation
Me: (enormous, burly fart) Her: My god, that sounds like an animal! Me: Yeah. It was a butt ox.
Why should you never fight a dinosaur
You will get jurasskicked
I’ve genuinely lost my voice
Said no one, ever
Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee?
They are Santa's star bucks
6:30 is the best time on the clock
Hands down
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.
Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money.
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together
3.14% of sailors are…
π-rates.
My daughter has started asking me questions about the human body
I thought I locked the basement I don't know how she keeps getting down there
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing.
This is as close as I could get.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
Did you know Tampax gives away slightly defective tampons for free?
No strings attached.
My family has a genetic predisposition for diarrhoea.
It runs in our jeans.
I for one am a fan of Roman numerals
No text found
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools, because we have class.
You want milk with your bean water?
You want milk with your bean water?
Dad: Hey, remember tomorrow is Father’s Day!
Me: Yeah, but it’s son day as well.
NSFW. What’s the difference between a Budweiser and a clitoris?
A clitoris only tastes like piss for a second.
Do you wanna know why people with shell fish allergies can’t be body builders?
Because they can’t have mussels.
Last night, I was lying in bed gazing up at the stars thinking
Where the fuck is my roof?
Guy runs into a bar, yells “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”
Bartender says "Three feet tall." Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"
Have you ever seen a picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved?
It’s beauty was unpresidented.
What do you call a death match between E.T. and a nerd with no social life?
Alien versus Redditor.
I tripped over my wife’s bra….
…It seemed to be a booby trap.
Why couldn‘t the bike stand up by itself?
It was two tired