OhHh DaMn ThAtS sMoOtH
My pregnant wife asked me if I ever worried it would be too hot for the baby inside her…
I said, “Nah, it’s probably womb temperature.”
I got a job at a construction site to drill holes
Its a boring job
I came home drunk from the bar last night, and the wife wasn’t happy.
"How much have you had to drink?" she demanded. "Not much" I slurred. "Look at me!" she shouted, "It's either me or the bar, which one is it?" I paused for a second and said "It's you, I can tell by the voice."
Why did the cowboy get a weiner dog?
Because he was told to get a long little doggie.
Casualty of War
https://ift.tt/2K74qmF
My son came out as transgender
So that makes me…. transparent
Knock knock…
Who’s there? Hike. Hike who? Warm midnight falling. Stars shining, dancing brightly. Peaceful all at once
My sister called my dad today to ask if there’s any history of glaucoma on his side of the family.
My dad: “None that I’ve seen!”
I went out with a girl who reminded me of a plate.
She was a dish
Redditors: please be careful this holiday season
Last night, I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, then a few cocktails, then a few shots … I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That’s when I decided to do why I have never done before: I took a cab. Sure enough, there was a police DUI checkpoint on the way home, and since it was a cab they waved me through. I arrived home safely and without incident. This was both a great relief and a surprise because I had never driven a cab home before. I don’t even know where I got it from, and now that it’s in my garage, I don’t know what to do with it.
Machine learning: “I’m as intelligent as human beings”. Also machine learning:
https://ift.tt/36gtLDH
An unpaid internship is nothing like actual slavery
Slaves are given food and housing.
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, which promptly lays down on the floor. The barman says, “Oi mate, you cant leave that lying there!”
The man says, “It’s not a lion it’s a giraffe”
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to a pub…
And its a 45 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
How did the Himalayan man jump higher than mount Everest?
Well, that's easy. Mountains can't jump.
I tied two Disney DVDs with strings and placed it inside the freezer.
It's Tangled and Frozen.
Electrons have mass?!
I didn’t even know they were catholic!
I just bought this cool pen that writes underwater!
it writes other words too but that's my favorite
A 90 year old Holocaust survivor told me this joke.
Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100." The one says to the other, "should we do it??" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars… I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it??"
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph. He’s not quite a full essay
What is red and smells like blue paint
Red paint
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion
No text found
What’s the cutest season?
Awwwtumn.
There was a woman who had 100 kids..
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
What do you call it when it’s raining turkeys?
Fowl weather.
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help…
…but I stand corrected.
I went to the doctors wanting a brain transplant
They changed my mind
My buddy is really upset at losing a promotion at work to an attractive, older woman.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled MILF.”
I wish I could be ugly for just 1 day
Because being ugly every day sucks… 🙁