Ohhh I memba!
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
Little Johnny’s teacher asks, “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn’t punish him?”
Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe?
I’m heartbroken that I lost a bucket of sand, silt, and gravel.
It was of great sedimentary value.
Want to know where I store all of my jokes?
In a dadabase….
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food but just no atmosphere.
What has two butts and can kill people?
An Assassin
Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.
Fuck me I'm easily lead
If I had $5 for every woman that found me unattractive
Pretty soon they'd all find me attractive
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are gross!”
I said, "People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer."
A dwarf walks into a
A dwarf walks into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass. The madam asks how she can help him. He says "I need a woman for mine has left me." The madam says "Whatever for? And what are the honeycomb and jackass for?" The dwarf says, "my wife found a genie that could grant her three wishes. For the first wish she asked for a house fit for a queen, so he gave her this honeycomb, the second wish she asked for the nicest ass in all the land, so he gave her this Jackass. The madam then asks "what about the third wish?" "She asked the genie for my cock to hang down past my knee." "That's not so bad." "Not so bad?" Spluttered the dwarf "I used to be 6 foot 3!"
What is a mayor’s favorite food?
Mayornnaise
Modern comic relying on a 1970s/early 80s commercial reference for Reese’s cups
https://ift.tt/33ypmvc
Why is Waldo’s shirt striped
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted
My missus packed my bags and left them in the hallway
As I walked out the door, she screamed… "I wish you a slow and painful death you bastard!!" "Oh!" I replied "so you want me to fucking stay now!"
Why do French riot police leave early for work?
So they can beat the crowd.
Im not a father but I make dad jokes.
I guess I'm a faux pas.
“Excuse me,” I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, “You have some semen on the back of your jacket.”
"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably just yogurt." "It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt"
Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall.
As he turned and sneered at me, I thought, "that's a little condescending."
I went to a seminar about unlocking my Chakras
It was really eye-opening
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer?
She keeps running away from the ball.
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their newborn Psalm West. I have only one question.
Is it a hymn or a her?
Did you know they aren’t making metre sticks any longer?
No text found
A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “You must really love your wife!” Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.
Dad, did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut
Most Puns Make Me Numb
But Maths Jokes Make Me Number
What do you call the security guards at the Samsung store?
Guardians of the Galaxy
“They were the best boos, the greatest boos, nobody gets boos like me let me tell you!”
https://ift.tt/348hPT8
If you push the envelope…
…is it still stationary?
My girlfriend gave me a list of things she’d like to do for her 32nd birthday
I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.
My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in the wardrobe?
I said its Narnia business
How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
The most notable difference is whether you see them later or in a while…
Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?
Because they stick. I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.
Sex Therapy
A doctor had a good reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he couldn't help. The Browns came into see the successful doctor and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests. Finally, he concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I can help you." "On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help." The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us." "Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios… "
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do.
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
two antennas met on a roof, feel in love and got married.
the wedding wasn't much to speak of, but the reception was excellent.
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
I’m bad at two things: telling jokes, and not getting angry while waiting in queue at orgies…
But I keep punching up the fuck line.
Do you think oranges become juice willingly
Or are they getting pressured into it?
If you are on a blind date, try using one of the jokes you read on this sub as an icebreaker.
That way, you can make sure they’re not some weirdo who reads /r/dadjokes.