ohhh now i get it
My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.
After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.
I just had to breakup with my cross eyed girlfriend
She was seeing other people
Why do pirates love reddit?
Tis the best place to trade stolen content for gold. Edit: ARRRR! Me farst gold! Much love me matey!
I didn’t want to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Whenever I’m sad my friend always says “cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole that is full of water”
I know he means well… Edit: WOAH! my first silver. Thank you anonymous stranger!
There was a young man…
There was a young man From Cork who got limericks and haiku's confused
We cannot allow this year to end!!
That would be admitting that 2021
i just invented a new word
its called Plagiarism
What do you call a careful wolf?
Aware wolf.
(x-post r/jokes) My wife told me that she couldn’t turn her neck because it hurts so much, so I told her to look forward to a massage tonight…
…Since she can't look sideways anyways…
Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
โHappy anniversary Mom and Dad,โ gushed son number one, a surgeon, โSorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.โ โNot to worry,โ said the father, โthe important thing is that we're all together today.โ Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced ,โYou and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you.โ โIt's nothing,โ said the father. โWe're glad you were able to come.โ Just then the daughter, a marketing executive, arrived. โHello! Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss was sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything.โ After they finished dessert, the father said, โThere's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.โ The three children gasped and all said, โYou mean we're bastards?โ โYep,โ said the father, โand cheap ones too.โ
how did luke know what darth vader got him for christmas?
he felt his presence
I organised a secret bukkake party for my girlfriend…
Everybody came, you should have seen her face!
Never date a tennis player
Love means nothing to them
Homosexuality is found in over 150 different species, homophobia is only found in two.
We aren't doing enough to exterminate the fag-hating squirrel.
Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.
As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out. "Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what kind of man I am." Putin takes a pencil and puts it behind his ear. Then he unzips his pants and underwear, and stands there butt naked in front of the three world leaders. "Now, witness the strength of Russia." He puts his stuff through the bars of the cage, and the wolf starts licking his balls. After a few minutes, the wolf starts to nibble with his teeth.. Putin endures it for several seconds, and then when the wolf finally latches on to his penis, he grabs the pencil from behind his ear and pokes the wolf in the eye with the eraser. As the wolf yelps, Putin pulls his package out from the cage and gets dressed. "And that, gentlemen," Putin says as the gets over the pain, "is the strength and power of Russia. Now, show me what your nations are made of. Supreme Leader?" Kim Jong-Un smiles and laughs and says, "No thank you, Mr. President, My, uh… wife would never forgive me." Putin laughs politely and shrugs his shoulders. He then looks to Trudeau. "Mr. Trudeau? Canada has native wolves, show us the strength of Canada!" The Prime Minister looks abashed. "Eh… no, no thank you, sir." This time Putin can't withhold his grin. He finally turns to Donald Trump. "Surely, the world's greatest superpower has a leader of great power! Show us the power of the United States of America!" "I'll tell you what, Vlad, as I call you, I don't mind doing it, I'll be great at doing it, the very best. Just do me a favor, there's no need to poke me in the eye."
I ordered some glue online using Amazon, but it hasnโt arrived yet.
Itโs probably stuck in the mail.
So I was building a fence the other day
It went up without any problems, but I was worried the whole time that it would insult me. because it was so offensive.
A man goes to do the doctor for a physical. He tells the not to be alarmed but he has 5 penises.
The doctor says, โ5 penises!? How do you pants fit?โ The man replies โLike a glove.โ
If you boil a funny bone….
It becomes a laughing stock
Exasperated, I showed him the picture and pleaded, “Doctor, all of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!”
He acknowledged grimly, "Indeed, that's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen."
So 3 nuns die and go to Heaven and are at the pearly gates…
After dying in a fatal car crash, 3 nuns end up at the pearly gates and the saint there tells them "Since you're so pure of heart and free of sin you can all go into the Kingdom of Heaven if you answer 3 questions. I'm going to ask you one question each." The saint turns to the first nun and asks: "Who were the first two humans God created?" She says: "Adam and Eve!" She gets into Heaven. The saint turns to the second nun and asks: "What was the one thing Adam and Eve were told not to do in the Garden of Eden?" She says: "They weren't allowed to eat the fruit of knowledge!" She gets into Heaven. The saint turns to the last nun – the mother superior – and says "Since you're the mother superior my last question is going to be difficult to answer, but if you answer correctly you can get into Heaven. So my question for you is: What was the first thing Eve said to Adam when they realized they were naked?" Now she has to think a little and as she thinks she's close to conceding, uttering "Gee, that's a hard one…" The saint lets her right into Heaven. The End.
I’ll never forget my grandpa’s last words
"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit!"
What do you call a Jewish Knight?
Sir Cumcised
Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you…
An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.
What happens when a frog parks illegally?
They get toad.
โชI canโt go out to buy drapes for my windows…โฌ
โชThese are uncurtain timesโฌ
Three men, Joe, Bro, and Buddy, all lived in a small town.
One day, Joe went hunting alone, and for the next few days no one heard from him. About a week afterwards, a body was found and brought into the coronerโs office. The coroner, after thoroughly examining the body, needed a positive identification in order to verify that the body was indeed Joe. So, he brought in Bro and Buddy, and told them to come in separately to identify the body. Bro came in first, and was asked to look for any details about the body that he recognized. After a few minutes of examining, Bro said, โMr. Coroner, Iโll need you to turn the body over for me to be sure.โ Confused, the coroner obliged. Bro continued to examine the body, bent down on one knee, reared his head sideways, then stood up and said, โNo sir, this canโt be Joe.โ The coroner was even more confused, but he accepted this statement and sent Bro out. Next, he invited Buddy in to repeat the task. Buddy, after examining the body in a similar fashion to Bro, also requested that the body be turned over. The coroner, after mumbling a bit about his confusion, flipped the body over. Buddy too bent down on one knee and examined the back area of the body, then, just as Bro had previously, said, โNo sir, Mr. Coroner, this isnโt Joe.โ The coroner was astonished, so he asked that Bro come back in so that the two of them were standing there at once. The coroner said, โGentlemen, this manโs dental records and features match perfectly with those of your friend Joeโs. How on earth are you both positive this isnโt him?โ Bro and Buddy looked at each other, then Bro answered, โSir, this canโt be Joe because Joe has two assholes.โ In shock, the coroner asked, โHow can he have two assholes? Have you ever seen them?โ Buddy replied, โNo sir, but it was common knowledge. Every time we were out with him, people would say, โLook, itโs Joe with those two assholes!โโ Credit goes to my grandmother, who was the first to tell me this joke.
What is an archeologist
Someone whoโs career is in ruins
I took my dog, Flip, to the skate park with my son. I swear that kid is crazy.
He said, "Dad, do you want to see me kick Flip?"
Two elves walk into a bar
The dwarf laughs and walks under it
Haunted French Pancakes…
….really give me the crรชpes.
Why was the locomotive outstanding in his field?
He trained.
Do you know how I learned 8 x 8 = 64 ?
I ate, I ate and got sick on the floor.
If I had to rate our solar system,
I'd give it one star.