OHMDUSHOD
– Do you know I’m finally going to watch “Back to the Future”?
– It's about time!
Dogs can’t operate MRI scanners.
But Catscan.
I am writing a drama on puns.
It's going to be a play on words.
-I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
We cannot allow this year to end!!
That would be admitting that 2021
My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils…
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
How did early people discover wool?
By shear coincidence
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?”
“Last week,” Bill explained, “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”
The easiest abortion I’ve ever performed was on a stripper.
It was like taking a baby from Candy.
Why are ghost so bad at lying?
You can see right through 'em.
Finally the answer for why people are panic buying toilet paper
Every time on person sneezes, 10 people around them shit themselves.
I wouldn’t say it’s easy living with erectile dysfunction.
But it’s not hard.
Mistaken identity
A guy goes into a drug store looking for some disinfectant. He walks up to an employee in a white uniform and asks her "Excuse me, do you sell any products here that will kill the Corona Virus?" She says, "ammonia cleaner". . . He replies, "Oh sorry to bother you, I thought you were a pharmacist."
Doctor: “I’ll be delivering your baby”
Dad to be:"Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver"
1,000,000
^ That's a one in a million.
A senior West Wing staffer told Trump that…
…he had a dream, and in that dream Trump got his huge military parade after all, complete with hundreds of thousands of cheering, flag-waving people lining the streets. "Was I smiling?" Trump asked. "I don't know," the aide replied. "It was a closed casket."
Dieting is really easy
As long as you're poor
Sometimes it is better to just walk away from things and go back to them later when you’re in a better frame of mind.
While it's true, that's how I lost my job as a surgeon.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean
What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter G
Over the weekend I took my wife to the theatre to see a performance that was all about puns.
It was a play on words.
![I switched pens in Kyle’s Gouache set [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/06/vrcf7f17za451-400x360.jpg)
I heard my son’s first words today
"Dad where have you been?"
Did you hear about the transgender vegan?
He was a herbefor
Whats Gordon Ramsay’s favourite sub-reddit.
IT'S FUCKING R/AWW , YOU IDIOT!
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot. (I'll show myself out…)
I saw my ex girlfriend across the museum hall, but I felt too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan…
An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan. The egg turns to the sausage and says, "It's getting hot in here!", and the sausage replies "Wow! A talking egg!"
Why doesn’t the Lorax go to Vietnam?
Because the trees can speak for themselves
I’ll tell you what I know about dwarfs
Very little
I went to a general store.
They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.
What’s a flat tire’s favorite vegetable?
A spare, I guess
The wife’s leaving me because of my sexual fetishes
I said yeah fine and remember to slam the door on my cock on the way out.
What did the 3 tampons say to each other at the bus stop?
Nothing, they were stuck up cunts
You know what’s wrong with political jokes?
They sometimes get elected.
You should invest in these stocks:
Chicken, vegetable, and beef. You’ll be a bouillonaire in no time.
I keep asking people what LGBTQ+ stands for,
But I can never get a straight answer.
I’m secretly a really cool person, but I can’t let anyone know.
I'm incogneato.
The other day I beat my son at dominos.
I was going to wait till we got home, but the little shit dropped the pizza.
A man sees a lady with big breasts.
He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner. She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
No carpet!
I told my contractor I didn't want carpet on the steps. He gave me a blank stair.
This asparagus is just…
a spear, I guess.
People ask me why I’m so nervous around trees, and I always have the same answer
“They just seem really shady.”
I think it’s wrong that only one company…
…makes the game Monopoly.
