Ok
I know a kid who was born without eyelids. His parents decided to have him circumcised and used his foreskin as a skin graft for his eyelids. The surgery went really well….
…. although afterwards he was a bit cockeyed.
What did the the dog do when he lost his tail?
He went to the retail store
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"
robin: oh no the batmobile isnt starting!
batman: check the battery robin: whats a tery?
Did you hear about the two houses across the neighborhood from each other that fell in love?
It was a lawn distance relationship.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing….
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Welcome to invisibility class.
Iām pretty disappointed to see so many of you.
If a midget smokes weed…
does he get high or medium?
A man meets a beautiful woman in a bar.
They talk, they really hit it off, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment. He notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her… they kiss… and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
Why are there two D’s in “Reddit?”
The second one's a repost.
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish…
The results speak for themselves…
I had a bunch of books fall on me
I only have my shelf to blame.
What’s an atom with a bad sense of humor?
Not a laughing matter.
Atheism…
is a non-prophet organization.
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table.
As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an efficiency expert visited our restaurant. He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time." "Wait a minute," said the diner, "How do you get your penis back in your pants?" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
My girlfriend broke up with me since I made too many bowling jokes.
I guess they just weren't up her alley. God she's such a pinhead.
You know what really makes my day?
The rotation of the earth
When I die, I hope to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Was going to make a joke about childbirth…
But it's hard to deliver
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasnāt unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didnāt know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, āHoney, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?ā He hadnāt and said so. Then she said, āTomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what sheās really doing.ā Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. āWell, is she selling drugs?ā she asked excitedly.ā āNo, sheās not.ā he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. āWell, what is it, then?ā his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. āHer name is Sally and sheās selling batteries.ā āBatteries?ā cried the wife. āYes,ā he replied. āShe sells C cells by the Seashore.ā
Queue is just one letter followed by four silent letters
They must be waiting for their turn.
Avengers: Infinity War is the perfect holiday movie…
…for Ash Wednesday.
I showed up late to the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting.
Needless to say, all the seats were already taken.
Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?
As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"
Well Trumpy youāve got 402,000+ people to visit and āembraceā atm. Better get on it.
https://ift.tt/39ORxHL
Halloween Party (NSFW)
A young lady was invited to a Halloween party, and upon arrival she notices a man wearing nothing but a glass jar on his penis… Intrigued, she approaches the man and asks what he's dressed as. "A fireman" he replies "Fireman? How so? You're only wearing a glass jar." She says "Exactly. Break the glass, pull the knob, and I'll come as fast as I can"
Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree…
The guy at the counter asked my dad "are you going to put it up yourself?" To which my dad responded "don't be disgusting… I'm going to put it in the living room."
I named my horse Mayo,
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
I write my name in cursive all the time –
It's my signature move.
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.
People are like trees…
They fall when you hit them multiple times with an axe.
Itās just as I suspected, someoneās been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
Magician: āFor this trick Iām gonna dissapearā
Magician: Looking at pear āYouāre ugly!ā