Ok
Why did the Mexican take Xanax ?
For Hispanic attacks
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi do.
My twin preschool boys were playing with foam letters in the bathtub.
One happened to put the letter T into a toy stacking cup I was holding. I tried to give it to him but he didn't want it. So I turned to my other son and said, "Hmm, guess it's not his cup of T". Neither 3yo got it so I had to tell someone.
What do you get when you fall sick at an airport?
Terminal Illness
A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.
During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says, "Jesus died for your scenes."
Anti-Vaxx parents hate it when you call their toddler’s outbursts a “temper tantrum.”
They prefer the term "mid-life crisis"
What do you call cocaine for your butt?
Ass Crack
Because your side projects are just an excuse to make a new framework, right?
https://ift.tt/2Xz0fqE
What the world looks like before the brain vertically inverts the retinal image
https://ift.tt/3e2R080
A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He’s very nervous and doesn’t say much.
As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter! After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone. The groom approaches the him and asks, "why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!" "I know…" Says the priest, "but that was just my altar ego".
I’m going to join the Navy purely out of spite
I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.
I was so bored that I memorized 6 pages of a dictionary
I learned next to nothing
What do the twin towers and gender have in common?
There used to be 2 of them and now it’s a touchy subject
The skip intro button on Netflix is so cool.
I wish tinder had it too.
Why does a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack
If God was a woman.
Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.
Back when writing in pointlessly complicated ways was a form of social esteem
https://ift.tt/3aCum58
I previously suffered from premature ejaculation my GF got me some cream that reduces sensitivity
It 100% totally work's now i don't give a fuck about that bitch.
![[OC] Guess The Pun #47 – Suffix to say… (x-post from r/puns)](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/no_image_card-1-400x247.png)
I had a bunch of books fall on me
I only have my shelf to blame.
What is red and smells like blue paint
Red paint
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
A teacher asked his students a math question.
"You have one dollar. Your parents give you five dollars. How much money do you have?" After some thinking, about half the class raised their hands. The teacher called on a little girl in the front. "One dollar!" she said. The teacher, conflicted on why the girl can't add, explained to her and the whole class how adding 1+5 works. At the end of class, the students were dismissed. A staff member oversaw the whole thing, and approached the teacher. "What the hell were you thinking asking that type of question?" the staff member asked. "What? I just asked them how much money 1+5 is- They couldn't even answer it!" "You said their parents gave them five dollars." "Yeah, so?" "You work at an orphanage, you moron!"
What do you call an exploding duck?
A firequacker
I don’t understand why people are celebrating pi day.
It's irrational.