Ok
Officer stops a man for speeding— notices he’s not wearing his required prescription glasses.
Officer says, "I have to give you a ticket for not wearing your glasses." Driver says, "But Officer, I have contacts." Officer says, "I don't care who you know, you're still getting a ticket."
A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. “Do you guys have golden toilets?” he asks.
"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?" "Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet." Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"
learning to walk in high heels really kept me on my toes
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Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours
They called it a day
Did you hear about McDonald’s trying to get into the steakhouse market?
It was a big McSteak.
Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
Because their horns don’t work!
I remember being a kid and my parents filling my head with nonsense, like Santa, the Easter bunny and the Tooth Fairy.
Well now that I’m older I don’t fall for that rubbish anymore, thank God.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
5YO: “Dad, I’m hungry AND DON’T SAY HI HUNGRY I’M DAD”
Me: "wow … that's a very long name, hungryAndDon'tSayHiHungryI'mDad"
Long one, sorry.
Once upon a time there was a little town called Trid. The Trids were an industrious people who traded with other towns outside of their little valley. One day, a giant appeared on the hilltops surrounding Trid. Every time a trade caravan would leave, the giant would kick them back down the hill. Over the days, the Trids began to grow afraid that they would starve without their bustling trade economy, so they held a town meeting to figure out what to do about the giant. They decided to try and reason with him before they would fight him, and that the wisest among them should go out the following day. Unanimously, they elected the town Rabbi as the wisest man. So the next day, the Rabbi went out to speak to the giant. He got kicked back down the hills before he could even say a word. He went up a second time with the same result. Although battered and bruised, he tried one last time. Before the giant could kick him he yelled out, "Stop!" And the giant actually stopped. "What is it?" the giant asked. "I'm the local Rabbi and I represent the Trids" the Rabbi replied. "We want to you to stop kicking us down the hills or we'll starve. Will you stop kicking us?" The giant looked down at him with a gleam in his eyes and a slight smile on his lips and said, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids."
A man killed his lifelong friend
He was charged with homiecide
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius,
But his brother Frank was a monster!
When I die, I have but 2 requests.
The first, I want my remains to be scattered around Disneyland. The second, I don’t want to be cremated.
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.
Where did the Terminator find toilet paper?
Aisle B, Back
The first vacuum ever created probably sucked.
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So explain this logic for me. So a girl can cuddle another girl and still be straight right?
But when I cuddle another guy I’m “a creep” and “need to leave the morgue immediately”
My wife just left me
because of my insecurities. Wait, she's back. Just went out to pick the mail.
What was Frosty doing in the Vegetable Aisle?
Picking his nose!
My five year old…
..and I are watching a movie Me: Why are those piranha's biting that guys butt? My five year old: Because they're BOTTOM FEEDERS! Get it?! BOTTOM FEEDERS
I hit a rat with my car today
It left a ro-dent
Did you hear about the banana that was a prosecutor?
He won the conviction, but slipped up on appeal.
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe it.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
Marijuana is legal and haircuts are against the law.
It took half a century but Hippies finally won.
Boy: Fires handgun at the shooting range…
Dad: "You're holding a shot gun now."
I finally got my dream job at the guillotine factory
I’ll beheading there shortly
Where’s the best place in France to take in the sights?
The Eyeful Tower. …ok, that one was bad. Paris-itic, even.
Police have arrested the world tongue-twister champion
If found guilty he'll be given a real tough sentence
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and she was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
