OK…
I tell a lot of dad jokes, but I don’t have kids.
I guess that makes me a faux pas.
If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it
It means my illegal logging business is a success
It is a very clear sign that the hive mind found something it doesn’t like.
It is a very clear sign that the hive mind found something it doesn’t like.
I prefer to have my milk churned.
It’s butter that way.
I was just on the toilet having my morning movement. My wife walked up and said she was proud of me
"You're not holding on to last year's shit" My wife beat me to the first dad joke of the year. Damnit
Did you hear about the professor afraid of negative numbers?
He stops at nothing to avoid them
Peanut oil is made from peanuts. Olive oil is from olives..
I'm not ever buying any more baby oil.
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi.
People in Athens hate getting up early
…because Dawn is tough on Greece.
Dad: Thanks for doing your chores Emily, unlike some children who will remain unnamed
Son: tears welling up please give me a name dad I'm almost 17
A horse, a dog, and a penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: What are we even paying the bouncer for?
At school I was always really successful at spelling bees
Other words I found much harder
Patches of land are the only thing I find upsetting
it takes a lot to offend me
How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?
Tell him Obama put it in
The more suicidal people there are
The less suicidal people there are
Hey Eugene, do you shower after sex?
Well yes Bob, I do. Great, can you please get laid more often?
My dad just got a tattoo of a Thermos on his palm…
Now whenever someone tries to shake his hand he says "Don't you dare touch my thermos tat!"
New Hampshire Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the Iowa Caucuses.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only New Hampshire voters can submit flair requests.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NEW HAMPSHIRE VOTERS: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
“Hello 911.” “What’s your emergency?” “These men won’t stop laughing.” “That’s annoying, but not a crime.”
“Wtf is manslaughter then.”
Did you hear the one about the corduroy pillow?
It's been making headlines
I just can’t stand those Russian nesting dolls.
They are so full of themselves.