Ok boomer
Why do pirates love reddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
Donald Trump
[removed]
Sheepdog: Yep, that’s 40 sheep there. Farmer: What, there should be only 37?
Sheepdog: Hey, I rounded them up!
So, Schrodinger walks into a vet with his cat.
The nurse takes the cat, goes into the room, and comes out 10 minutes later. "Sir, we have good news and bad news."
As a dentist, I only get paid for each prosthetic implant I complete…
Nothing dentured, nothing gained!
I’ve been stuck in Rome for a few weeks now…
I'm trying to get out, but all the roads have this weird design flaw…
Avengers: Infinity War is the perfect holiday movie…
…for Ash Wednesday.
Some motherfucker took a shit
When I got home from work I found two turds in my toilet. I know for a fact when I left there were three.
Did you hear about Bert the brown nosed reindeer?
He's second behind Rudolph but can't stop as quickly.
“I used to be a Christian”
The girl said. The boy chuckled "that's fine what made you Convert?" The girl turned and said "I feel more like a Christina than a Christian"
What exactly is an acorn?
Well, in a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.
Today I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume is stuck at max level”
I thought, well I just can’t turn that down
I tripped over my wife’s bra left on the bedroom floor last night…
Damn boobie traps
Procrastination is like masturbation…
It feels good while you're doing it, but you're only fucking yourself.
Back in the U.S.S.R.
An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart. In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"
The guy who invented the knock knock joke…
Should win a no-bell prize
Does length matter? Short answer: no.
Long answer: yes.
There were 2 fly’s on a toilet seat.
One got pissed off.
The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and she was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?" Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." Wife: "Who said that?" Helen: "Your husband." Wife: "Oh." Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you." Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?" Helen: "No, the gardener did." Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
A bunch of electricians threw a party
It was lit
My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her legs…
If you put your ear to it, you can smell the sea.
So President Trump wants to abolish the two term limit on the Presidency.
Welcome back President Obama we missed you.
If a blind girl says you have a big penis.
She’s probably just pulling your leg.
What does every woman in the world want?
Nothing they're fine
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
Insert joke here
Insert punchline here
My marriage is like a fairytale
A witch is waiting for me at home
Here you have some cocaine, but remember
With great powder comes great responsability
Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest
After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of their choice, and whoever received the most karma for it would win. Adam, already undecided himself, decided to go to /r/AskReddit. He laid out the agreement, and asked that everyone vote one their favorite movie, and the one with the most votes he would use for the his friends. Unfortunately, as the votes were split in that sub, his highest post amounted to a mere 38 points. Paul, a big proponent for the Toy Story franchise, posted to /r/nostalgia in the hopes that everyone who grew up with Toy Story would agree. Unfortunately, as there had been two sequels (with a third on the way) it wasn't exactly considered "nostalgia" and he got downvoted into oblivion. Bill, who loved Monsters Inc., made his case using some trickery. Going to /r/news, he found a seemingly unrelated post, and made a top-level comment describing, in great detail, why Monsters Inc. was the greatest film of all time. The fact that the post was so out of context made everyone flock to it, and drew enough attention to new him over a thousand fake internet points. Mike, who loved the Incredibles movies, decided to stay in his wheelhouse. Over the course of several hours, he created each of the family members from the Incredibles in Soulcaliber VI. Finally, he photoshopped the family together, and posted it to /r/gaming. Under normal circumstances this would have skyrocketed to the top, but the format was stale, and thus only received 20k karma. Still, Mike was confident in his victory. While the other four friends came up with plans on how to maximize their karma gains, Chris sat silently. For hours he sat, making no posts, coming up with no original content. Finally, an hour before the deadline, he broke into his neighbor's house, stealing his copy of the Pixar movie "Up". He took a picture of his theft and posted it directly to /r/Jokes with the title "STOLEN". When the group got together the next day to see who got the most votes, everyone was in awe. Chris's post had over 40,000 points. "How did you know that would win?" "Easy," Chris replied. "Everyone knows stolen content on /r/Jokes gets all the Up votes."
What do you get if you masturbate today?
A happy, hollow ween!
Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?
For christ’s sake
Where can you find a turtle that has no legs?
Exactly where you left it.
Man walks into a bar with a boot on his head
The Canadian bartender says, "what's that about?" Man says, "yes."
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
A robber enters a bank and points a gun at the teller
Robber: Put all the money in the bag or you’re Geography! Teller: Don’t you mean History? Robber: Don’t change the subject!