Ok boomer
Im at an Iranian military post
Edit: This post just blew up
What’s the difference between a school bus and a cactus?
A cactus keeps the little pricks on the outside.
How do you find your dog if it’s lost in the woods?
Put your ear up to a tree and listen for the bark!
Couples therapist: So, what brings you two here today?
My wife: I can’t stand living with him. He’s too literal. Me: My truck.
What do you do when your mind isn’t exactly working like clockwork?
Change your gears.
A man was hospitalised with 6 plastic horses up his ass
The doctor described his condition as stable
What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?
I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face before.
I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are: white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.
I'm hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
What do houses wear?
Address
A senior West Wing staffer told Trump that…
…he had a dream, and in that dream Trump got his huge military parade after all, complete with hundreds of thousands of cheering, flag-waving people lining the streets. "Was I smiling?" Trump asked. "I don't know," the aide replied. "It was a closed casket."
I saw a post in my feed about avoiding procrastination
"Saved For Later"
I’m starting a group for people who cannot climax.
Let me know if you cant come.
Someone just called me emotionless
I don't know how to feel about it
A book just fell on my head
I have only my shelf to blame
The idea of 6 naked ladies sounds great
Dozen tit
So I hear they are going to start using bio diesel made from herbs for trains…..
….maybe ours will now run on Thyme.
Trump book
Today I was at the bookstore; as I was wandering around, the clerk stopped me and offered to help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?" The clerk angrily said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!" I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
What do Game of Thrones and The Sixth Sense have in common?
Icey dead people
If I could be any super hero, I would be Aluminum Man…
…my super power would be foiling crime.
Why do the Hong Kong police get up early in the morning?
To beat the crowds.
Just so everybody’s clear…
I’m going to put my glasses on…
The old lady fell in a deep hole in the ground.
She couldn’t see that well.
What do you call a pen that isn’t moving?
Stationary.
I owned a pencil
Which was owned by William Shakespeare Since he chewed it now I can't say if it is 2B or not 2B
Do I have COVID-19?
Or did you just take my breath away?
Went and bought a sweater yesterday. The thing just kept picking up static electricity.
I went to return it and they gave me another one free of charge.
Do not use “BEEFSTEW” as a password
It's not stroganoff
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete?
She wanted to see the task manager.