Ok boomer
Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.
Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message: 370HSSV – 0773H Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, FBI finally asked MSS (Ministry of State Security in China for help. Within a few seconds MSS cabled back with this reply: "Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."
People tell me that my phone is more powerful than the computer that put astronauts on the moon.
Yet when I use my phone to navigate it will tell me to turn when there is no turn. But I guess it makes sense since there aren’t a lot of turns between Earth and the Moon.
It’s always awkward
It’s always awkward
The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week…
There was no coffin at his funeral!
My 3 year old’s first joke
What's wobbly in the sky A jellycopter Not the best execution, but I'm happy he's joining the tradition of bad jokes
How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?
I have no idea, but it ain't 3 cause my basement is still dark.
My wife was complaining that I treat like her a child.
So I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.
Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek. The old lady thinks, “I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.” The blonde thinks, “I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me and she slapped him.” The Frenchman thinks, “I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.” The Englishman thinks, “I can’t wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again.”
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
He asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.” He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax, and then…..” he sighed, “we’ll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”
The larger the feet, the larger the penis. The larger the vehicle, the smaller the penis.
Maybe that’s why everyone is so scared of clowns.
I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are: white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.
I'm hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
Disney is releasing a version of Tangled with an alternate ending where Rapunzel’s hair isn’t chopped off at the end.
They're calling it the Uncut Edition.
I gave away my empty batteries.
They were free of charge!
“Well just tell your mother we ate it all…” – Jim’s Dad
“Well just tell your mother we ate it all…” – Jim’s Dad
I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives.
I’m about to start a religious movement.
I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall…
I thought “hmm, that’s a little condescending l”
How the Germans bailed out Greece
It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel. The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna. The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him 'services' on credit. The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note. The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town. No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
Peanut oil is made from peanuts. Olive oil is from olives..
I'm not ever buying any more baby oil.
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"
My bald dad commented on my hair earlier.
He said I had hair like an emo. He wasn’t too happy when I said he had hair like a chemo.
What do you call Muslim chili peppers?
Halalapenos
How do you cut the ocean in half?
With a sea saw
When I became a teenager, my father gave me a 30 minute Power Point Presentation on the dangers of having unprotected sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
Before my surgery my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle
It was an ether/oar situation
Today my dad celebrated his 62nd birthday.
It was only a minute long.
What do you call a dwarf from mexico?
A paragraph, because he's only a short ese.
She texted me: “your adorable” I responded saying “no. YOU’RE adorable”
Now she thinks I like her even though I was just correcting her grammar.
(sigh)
My dad and his sibling were talking and they just kept going on about how there generation is more hardworking and we’re all lazy 🤦♀️. I wanted to say ok boomer so badly.
Monsters aren’t usually good at math
Unless you count Dracula.
I hope death is a woman….
Then I know it will never come for me