Ok Boomer
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It's amazing what 7 jokes can do
What do you get when you inject a goat with human DNA?
A ban from the petting zoo.
Wish me Luke!
It's like luck, but with more force.
Who do you call a guy with a block of iron on his head?
A metalhead \M/
We were driving past a cemetery.
My dad said in a dead serious quiet voice "I know something you don't know about this place. The people living in this town aren't allowed to be buried here." And I was really confused, so I asked why. He said "because they are still alive."
How do you make any boat a hat?
You flip it over and it becomes capsized.
How do you get “Dick” from “Richard”?
You ask him nicely
Religion is like a penis.
It's fine to have one and it's fine to be proud of it, but please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around… and PLEASE don't try to shove it down my child's throat.
I have a fear of numbers which aren’t the ratio of two integers.
It's really irrational.
Smoking will kill you…Bacon will kill you…
But, smoking bacon will cure it.
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint. Credit: my dad
Which state has the smallest drink?
Minnesota.
I sent my wife a picture of my flaccid penis.
Just to let her know I was thinking of her.
Observing student-facilitated genetics presentations, this has been my experience:
https://ift.tt/2XM0qgO
What do you call an undercover shoe?
A sneaker
Two scientists walk into a bar.
"I'll have H2O," says the first. "I'll have H2O, too," says the second. The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.
Just found out I’m allergic to plantains today.
I'm okay but I went into bananaphylactic shock.
Why can’t snowmen have carrot cake?
They can't have their nose and eat it too.
A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.
He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.” He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intrigued, the owner accepts and gives him a pastry. The Jew swallows it and asks for another one. The owner gives him another one. Then the Jew swallows that one and asks for a third pastry and eats that, too. The owner is starting to wonder where the magic trick is and asks, “So what did you do with the pastries?” The Jew replies, “Look in the Arab’s back pocket…”
I’m not sure if I like toast.
On the upside, it’s buttered. But on the downside, it’s not.
Angry man comes to local bar with gun yelling:
-Which one of you fucked my wife??!! Some guy in the crowd says: – you should bring more bullets
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
We should give credit to the number 2.
It became a prime number against all odds.
People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I’d never be any good at poetry.
But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.
Did you hear about the 3 holes in the ground?
Well, well, well…
