Ok Boomer

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

He has to wear a support Trump. T.Shirt for 2 weeks. So far, he has been punched, spat at, kicked, and verbally abused. It will be interesting to see what happens when he leaves the house.

A retail store.

Inmate: It’s bec.. Officer: Yes? Inmate: I think I have.. Officer: Go on. Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence? Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

Because when she gets to 69 there's a frog in her throat.

They're maid…

He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. My grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.

But that was so yesterday

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog. “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.” The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?” The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot.

Some asshole must have my pen.

1st woman: Hi Wanda! 2nd woman: Ohmigod, Sylvia! How did you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? 2nd woman: I had a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him. But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 1st woman: So then what happened? 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman in the house that I started running all over the house looking, I ran up into the attic to search and then down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere in the house. Finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died,. 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.

He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out. The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him. The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!” The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”

It was Othello… ​ and then Othgoodbye.

They checked our reviews. One star.

A honeycomb.

She's probably pulling your leg.

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied: "I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."

The old man answered:" It is easy, my son. I've hunted hundreds of bears in my life. You just need to grab your gun and take a ride to some mountains nearby. Firsrt, find a cave or stone cavern that might shelter a bear. Second, make some 'Woo! Woo!' sound so that the bear inside would mistake it as a signal of its companion. It would also produce that same sound as a feedback. After it comes out, you just pull the trigger. Easy? " The newbee nodded and exited without coming back for months. After a long time, the old hunter saw that newbee on a street and found him crippled, with an ear lost and an eye blind. He asked him what happened. The newbee says:" I did as what you told me before. But god damn it, when something inside that cavern answered my 'Woo! Woo!', I didn't expect a train would come out and hit me!" PS: I saw this one days ago and translated it from Chinese to English. Might be some grammar errors.

"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor. "I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up." So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again, falling to the floor, this time, even harder. At this point he realizes he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (asleep) wife and passes out. The next morning his wife wakes him up and starts shouting at him, "So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?" The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home so he tries to play it cool, "Not really, just hanging with some coworkers… we didn't drink much… just a couple of beers." The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds, "The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair's there, you dumbfuck."

Because 6, 7 8…

They’re both super temperamental, and seem to have an issue with me streaming porn to the bedroom.

I say "Are any of those gray?" She groans and says "How do you live with yourself?" I respond " I don't, I live with your mother".