Ok boomer
How did Billy feel after he dropped his toothpaste?
Crestfallen.
I remember when Mom used to tuck me in
She really wanted a daughter.
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
I owned a pencil
Which was owned by William Shakespeare Since he chewed it now I can't say if it is 2B or not 2B
A woman is having an affair while her husband is at work
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "It's dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." The boy says "I have a baseball." The man says "That's nice." Boy asks "Want to buy it?" Man replies "No, thanks." Boy says "My dad's outside." Man "okay, how much?" Boy "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy "Its dark in here." Man "Yes, it is." Boy "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy "$750? Man "fine" A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy ~ "$1,000?" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost." "I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "It's dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."
Did you know that diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in your jeans
I gave the lawn a good cut today.
20% of everything all the money we stole.
A few days ago, I told a lady on the bus she had semen on the back of her shirt.
She told me, "Probably just some yogurt." Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt.
Why did the latino man go to the therapist?
To talk about hispanic attacks.
You can’t breathe through your nose while smiling.
Of course you can! I just wanted to make you smile.
My grandfather always said, “Be envied, not envious.”
I’m so pissed off I didn’t think of that quote first.
What does Yoda call a shape with three sides?
A do-or-do-not-angle. There is no try-angle.
We imported a tree from Canada.
It's pretty oak, eh.
I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath? Throw in your laundry. The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit." We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."
My parents said that if I got a tattoo I’d have to get it in a place that didn’t matter…
So I got it in Appleton, Wisconsin.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
My first job was working at an orange juice factory
..but, I got canned because I couldn’t concentrate.
Hmmm, doesn’t quite work when you’re still standing two foot next to each other.
https://ift.tt/2JK3nIV
If your phone auto corrects “fuck” to “duck,” it’s okay to keep it
It's still fowl language
There was company that sold sex toys to aliens.
It was SpaceXXX.
My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like “Hobbit!”, “Gandalf!”, and “Mordor!”.
Always Tolkien in her sleep…
Some alligators can grow up to 15 feet.
Most only have 4 though.
A friend of mine, a mother of 4 refused to get her children vaccinated.
Edit : Mother of three.. Edit2 : Mother of two… Edit3 : Mother of one….. Edit4 : Mo.. Wait..
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years." St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
I buy my guns from a T-Rex.
He's a small arms dealer.
The Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life!”
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.
Why do cumshots drip into belly buttons?
It's sea men trying to get to the navel base.