Ok boomer
Great wine is like great jazz…
It confuses me and Iโm pretty sure itโs all the same.
True story but funny.
While filling my car up i noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see 2 cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it… tax dollars in action I guess. As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying" type screaming. I look around and see that this womans arm is on fire! She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air! The cops jump into action and put the fire out, then arrest and handcuff her! I think this is a bit harsh and that the woman should be going to the hospital, not jail so I ask one cop why are they arresting her. The cop replied, "For waving a firearm in public"
If Sarah Sanders thinks it is safe to be out in public, perhaps she could lead by example
https://ift.tt/3ayAl9K
Why do vaccinated kids hate jokes about measles?
They never get them.
Last night I sawa host of pale, emaciated figures, with haunted eyes that showed the agony of living death.
It was my first time in a vegan restaurant.
We all know the show was called Spongebob Squarepants
But the star was Patrick
Presidents
Two guys, one American, one Russian, are discussing their presidents: โ We despise our president, you know, when Trump is out in the crowd, everyone throws eggs, fruits – saw somebody throwing a pineapple at him; he get spit a lot and we swear at him aloud … โ Here, In Russia, when Putin passes by, everybody urinates on him, but you know, everybody! – Well, let's be serious; I exaggerated a little … we swear at Trump, but in a whisper … we throw at him … but in front of our TVs … – Well, I exaggerated a bit as well … We really urinate, but we don't put our pants down … [Now: not a native speaker, so mistakes should be overlooked, of course, I hope it's not a repost]
Iโve started saying โmuchoโ to all of my Mexican friends.
It means a lot to them.
What do you call a youtuber who’s also a werewolf?
Lycansubscribe
Not dad jokes…. it’s jokes on dad
Nurse: I'm sorry sir, your dad is pronounced dead. Son:I can't believe I'm pronouncing it wrong all this time.
Why are gays bad at poker?
They can't keep a straight face
Just so everyone is clear
I will put my glasses on.
myspacebarhasarestrainingorderagainstme
nowicanonlygotofacebookbar
If a Pomeranian looked Medusa in the eyes…
…it would become a pomegranite.
Is buttcheeks one word…
or should I spread them apart?
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
โHow are you mate?โ โYeah Iโm okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.โ I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said โYour dadโs sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond โGet away with ya… Prove it.โ I shouted downstairs โHey, mate! Both of them?โ He shouted back โOf course both of them! Whatโs the point in fucking one?โ EDIT: Gold already?! Thank you so much guys!!
I had to get a loan to pay for an Exorcism
They said if i didn't pay it back on time i'd be repossessed
Pope Francis likes to don a fake mustache and walk around the Vatican, praying for the poor.
It's a blessing in disguise.
I ordered a chicken and egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
What do they put in IPhone batteries?
Apple juice
What do you call an airplane that flies backwards?
A receding airline.
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
Who is Gaston?
The winner of the no Belle prize.
HOW TO HAVE SEX WHILE ON LOCKDOWN WITH THE KIDS IN THE HOUSE.
The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted. 'An ambulance just drove by!' 'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out. 'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off' 'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!' 'Jason has had his skate board taken off him After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!' Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're having sex?' 'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar' EDIT: HATERS GONNA HATE; REPOSTERS GONNA REPOST. I LOVE YโALL!
Did you hear about the bed bugs who fell in love?
They're getting married in the spring.
Your Girlfriend Is Pregnant !
Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex. Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke? Guy: No I'm sure it didn't. Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died. Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger. Doctor: Exactly.
Two monks are setting up a sign in front of their monastery
The sign reads โBeware! The End is near! Turn around now before it is too late!" A car full of atheists drives by at full speed, and the atheists yell at the monks "Go fuck yourselves you lame ass religious nuts!" Suddenly there's a sound of screeching tires, terrified screams and a splash! The first monk looks at the second monk and says "Brother, do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?โ
MOVIE RATINGS EXPLAINED
G: Nobody gets the girl. PG: The good guy gets the girl. R: The bad guy gets the girl. X: Everybody gets the girl!
A guy visits his favorite dominatrix
He puts his money on the bedside table and says โIโve been bad, mistress. I need to be punished.โ She makes him strip and bend over as she whips his quivering bottom. Next she makes him crawl into bed and ties him securely to the bedposts. She runs her whip over his flesh and, as he wriggles in anticipation, the bed posts break and his arms come free. โDonโt worry, I can fix thisโ he says, as he runs out to his car. He returns in a few minutes with some tools and gets to work. In a few minutes the bedposts are fixed. He looks admiringly at his handiwork and beams. โGood as new, mistress!โ She says โThis sub really loves reposts.โ
My sister bet me $15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta
Always knock before opening the fridge.
There could be salad dressing in there.
Yesterday I purchased a world map…gave my wife a dart and said to her “throw this and wherever it lands, I’m taking you for a holiday”.
Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
Its important to keep some candy in your pocket at all times.
It could be a lifesaver.