Ok boomer
A sheep dog tells her owner she found all fifty sheep. Her owner says that there should only be 46
The dog says, โbut I rounded them up.โ
What do you call a nose without a body?
Nobody nose!
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
If a blind girl says you have a big penis
She's probably pulling your leg
I told my 3yr old daughter “I’m tired.”
"Oh. I thought you were daddy!" I've never been so proud.
Hey kids! I put that Waze app in charge of my music playlist.
It keeps telling me to take the Backstreet Boys!
A farmer counted 387 cows in his field.
But when he rounded them up he had 400.
Whatโs the similarity between a grenade and a wife?
You pull off the ring and then your house is gone
I thought taking a job as a ski instructor would be great.
But it really went downhill fast.
What’s the difference between an African Elephant and an Asian Elephant?
About 3,000 miles.
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.
โฆwith a really angry bear somewhere close by.
Rewatching the first season of Survivor, and I felt this.
Rewatching the first season of Survivor, and I felt this.
A couple fingers, Vaseline, and the grace of God
Not an original joke but hilarious nonetheless. Presented for your enjoyment. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
Biggie knew he had to watch Diddy! That eye wasnโt cockeyed for nothing
Biggie knew he had to watch Diddy! That eye wasnโt cockeyed for nothing
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion
My doctor advised me to eat cleaner.
So now I shower before every meal.
I don’t think the guy climbing the ladder above me wipes,
It was an unpleasant asscent.
What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck. Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!
A chinese kid asks his father: “Dad, why do they say all Chinese people look alike?”
He replies: "I am not your dad"
I’m trying to write an unoffical Harry Potter book about Platform 9 and 3/4
But I feel like I'm hitting a wall
We were eating lunch…
Before our hike, my wife offered my sister-in-law some fruit. She said "no thanks, I had a pear on the way here." Without skipping a beat, I said "you mean you came pre-peared?"
my girlfriend left me because I’m insecure
nevermind she's back she just went to pee
The Mailman
Courtesy of my science teacher who gives us a joke every day before class. A kid, about 5 or 6 years old, woke up one night at 4 in the morning screaming. His mother rushed into the room to see what was wrong. He told her he dreamed that their cat died. The mother assured him the cat was fine and they both went back to sleep. At about two o'clock in the afternoon the next day, the mother went outside to find their cat, which wasn't that old, dead. The next early morning, the kid woke up screaming again, and the mother rushed in. He informed her he dreamed that their grandma died. Almost like clockwork, the mother got a call at two o'clock that their grandma had a heart attack. She didn't make it over in time to say goodbye. Once again, at 4 in the morning the kid woke up screaming. Same scenario, except this time the kid said, "I had a dream daddy died." At this point, the parents are scared, so they hatch a plan to make sure the dad didn't die. The next morning, the dad got up, ate breakfast, and went to work, being very careful and scared on the road. He made it to his office, and locked himself in. He waited a until midnight before coming home, exhausted but alive. They were both happy, but the dad asked, "did anything happened while I was gone?" The mother said, "Yeah, didn't you hear? The mailman was delivering and got run over by a truck and died!"
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. “Not a chance!” says the husband. “It’s three o’clock in the morning!”
He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!" "Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes." comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here, on the swing."
Has anyone heard “Duvet Know it’s Christmas?”
It's a cover version.
Engineer and Anti-vaxxer come to the bridge
Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge? Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge. Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.
If you think climate change is bad now wait until our aerosol hairspray usage goes up 5000%
https://ift.tt/2Qaa2Qp
โThey were the best boos, the greatest boos, nobody gets boos like me let me tell you!โ
https://ift.tt/348hPT8
When the person who invented the USB drive dies…
Theyโll lower the coffin into the grave, realize they put it in the wrong way and have to do it again.
By your excuses combined, I have zero responsibility! Total authority is mine!
https://ift.tt/2VKNxUV
What do you call a police officer in bed?
An undercover cop.
imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
there would be mass confusion.
I don’t usually tell Dad jokes,
But when I do, he usually laughs
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
Well, some people think its 'R', but that's just a hurtful stereotype. Other people say that their true love is the 'C' which I can certainly understand… But I find that it's actually the letter 'P', cause without it they're just irate.