Ok boomer we get it, wife bad
life without love is meaningless..
Love without life is necrophilia.
In Las Vegas people can tithe by dropping casino chips into the offertory.
And at the end of each weekend, there is a Brother that goes around to all the casinos to cash them out and make a deposit. He's the Chip Monk.
If âwomb is pronounced âwoomâ, âtombâ is pronounced âtoomâ, then then shouldnât âbombâ be pronounced
âBOOMâ I hope that blew your minds
?
I hardly know her!
I need a raise.
Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you? Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you? Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years. Boss: Yes. Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first. Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time. Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade. Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound? Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir! Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you? Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!
What do you call an overweight psychic?
A four-chin teller.
What do a girlfriend and a forklift have in common ?
If you don't have one, you have to unload by hand
I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick.
She still isn't talking to me
Racist jokes are like Mexicans
They're always crossing the line.
Today a clown held a door open for me.
Such a nice jester.
Whatâs the difference between a boner and a bonus?
Your wife will never refuse an opportunity to blow your bonus.
Why can’t Russia have a female president?
Because Putin is not a woman.
For years I was against organ transplants
Then I had a change of heart
So this guy walks into a library
He starts looking around, but after a couple minutes is empty handed At this point, the librarian came and asked, âAre you looking for anything in particular?â The man says, âYeah, Iâm looking for that new book about small penisesâ The librarian thinks for a second, then responds, âI donât think itâs in yetâ He nods back, âYep, thatâs the oneâ
My son asked me, “If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?”
I smiled and said, "America."
Ladies, if your boyfriend asks for matador equipment for christmas…
It's big red flag
When my mum became a vegan, I couldn’t recognize her
It's like I've never seen Her-bivore
What kind of bird doesn’t have babies
A swallow
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
âHow are you mate?â âYeah Iâm okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.â I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said âYour dadâs sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond âGet away with ya… Prove it.â I shouted downstairs âHey, mate! Both of them?â He shouted back âOf course both of them! Whatâs the point in fucking one?â
something something taxes idk
something something taxes idk
Nothingâs better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old
Those are the years youâre in your prime
I don’t get how Russians didn’t see the demise of the Soviet Union coming
There were red flags all over the place
When President Trump said he would deliver more jobs than any other president…
I didn't realize he'd do it by constantly hiring replacement White House senior staff.
Today I bumped into the guy who had sold me an antique globe.
Itâs a small world.
I didn’t want to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.
"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
Shit Ain’t Funny Anymore. Stop making Excuses For That Guy Who Occupies The white House.
https://ift.tt/2VYradO
What happend before the crowbar was invented?
Crows had to drink at home.
Jesus walks into a bar
âJust twelve waters please!â Winks at disciples
Iâve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes
Itâs all about raisin awareness
Nine Months Later
 Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything."
A mexican woman walks into a car dealership and starts looking at a car. A salesman asks if she needs any help or got any questions.
Her: Cargo space? Salesman: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Why are Americans so stupid?
Because we shoot the ones who go to school.
An imam, a priest and a rabbi are having a discussion about what they do with the money they receive from worshippers.
The priest explains his process: « the way I do things is very simple. First, I take a big piece of chalk and draw a circle around myself. After that I take the money in my hands, throw it up in the air and what falls inside the circle is for me while all the money that falls outside is for the Lord. » The imam replies: « Now thatâs very clever! I actually have a similar process. What I do at first is take the money and place myself at my mosqueâs entrance with one foot outside and the other one inside. Then I throw the money up in the air and what falls outside is for me while the money that falls inside is for Allah » The priest nods his head with approval at the imamâs explanation. The rabbi who looks clearly offended by both their explanations says: « I canât even begin to believe what Iâm hearing! How dare you do such a thing!? And you call yourselves men of faith! Iâd never resort to the use of fancy shmancy theatrics to determine how the money is divided between God and me! All I do is take the money, throw it up in the air and whatever god needs he takes while whatâs left is mine.